


You'd Make A Great Pornstar

by peachbabyjoon



Category: BLACKPINK (Band), EXO (Band), 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: Angst, Arguing, Bottom Kim Namjoon | Rap Monster, Christmas, Cute Kim Namjoon | Rap Monster, Cute Kim Seokjin | Jin, Cute love letters, Drinking, F/M, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Insecure Kim Namjoon | Rap Monster, Jeongguk's oblivious, Jimin's a jerk, Jin is a daycare worker, Kim Namjoon | Rap Monster Is a Sweetheart, M/M, Namjin are idiots in love, Purple Haired Namjoon, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Reflection, Slow Burn, Taehyung ia a dork, Top Kim Seokjin | Jin, Winter, Y'all porn is never actually involved in the plot, Yoongi is sarcastic, but not involved, cute nicknames, hoseok is hoseok, i must have wrote that scene on acid, it's mentioned - Freeform, it's not relevant to the story except for a short mention, jikook - Freeform, no one is a porn star, squirrels and asses
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-27
Updated: 2017-11-27
Packaged: 2019-01-09 02:50:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 20,906
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12267372
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peachbabyjoon/pseuds/peachbabyjoon
Summary: "You've got to stop with the food puns, they're killing me slowly."Jin turned around with granulated sugar clutched in his right hand and the most mischievous smirk Namjoon's ever seen in his twenty three years of living. "You got it, sugar lips."Namjoon's trying so hard not to smile and Jin's laughing like a seal, dropping the sugar and gripping his stomach. At this moment, Namjoon wants to insult Jin for being so damn corny, but on the other hand, he wants to kiss him on the lips and taste the hazelnut coffee on his tongue he drank twenty minutes ago. But sadly enough, Jin isn't his (will he ever be?)."I'll put rat poisoning inside your cupcake, don't tempt me, hyung." Namjoon threatened, cracking the eggs inside of the red bowl with white hearts scattered all around. That's exactly how Namjoon's heart is feeling, it's all scrambled and he knows what he wants, but he isn't sure what -- who -- he wants happens to want him back and basically, it's just a lot of wanting and crying.





	You'd Make A Great Pornstar

**Author's Note:**

> the final chapter should be up by chrih-muh. i think that will be y'alls gift from me. thanks for all the kudos, hits, and that one thing when you save a story, i forgot what it's called, sorry
> 
> I'M SORRY THAT I'M SUCH A FUCKING HUGE LIAR. ALL I DO IS DISAPPOINT. I FEEL LIKE MY NECT CHAPTER I'D GONNA BE MEDIOCRE AND I DON'T WANNA DISAPPOINT Y'ALL, IT'S HONESTLY THE LAST THING I'D EVER WANT TO DO TO YOU GUYS.
> 
> I SWEAR TO GOD, THIS CHAPTER IS GETTING PUBLISHED. NO MORE BULLSHIT, NO MORE BEING A LAZY PIECE OF TRASH, I PROMISE. YOU GUYS HAVE MY WORD, PLEASE JUST GIVE ME THIS LAST CHANCE ♡♡♡
> 
> THANK YOU.
> 
> trigger warnings: there is a brief talk (argument) about drugs that happens, so read with very close caution. also, domestic violence and graphic themes in this book (not related to namjin, but one of their moms) cancer and the thought or joking (not really) of suicide takes place (she was drunk)
> 
> songs to listen to --
> 
> let's not fall in love -- bigbang
> 
> million dollar man -- lana del rey
> 
> young -- the chainsmokers 
> 
> running -- beyonce, arrow benjamin
> 
> simplethings -- miguel
> 
> prisoner -- lana del rey and the weeknd
> 
> blue -- troye sivan 
> 
> the quiet -- troye sivan
> 
> feel free to add on, i'm too tired to do any more.

"Jin," Namjoon spoke up, wiping flour on his pink 'Kiss The Cook' apron which he wore to get a reaction out of Jin, but he didn't say anything, which disappointed Namjoon a little, but his pride won't let him admit it. "Can you grab me two eggs -- the jumbo ones?"

"That's an eggcellent choice."

Namjoon laughed, blowing flour all over the wooden floor and some on his Ryan themed socks. Now, Ryan looks like he snorted an ounce of coke, which makes Namjoon frown.

"You've got to stop with the food puns, they're killing me slowly."

Jin turned around with granulated sugar clutched in his right hand and the most mischievous smirk Namjoon's ever seen in his twenty three years of living. "You got it, sugar lips."

Namjoon's trying so hard not to smile and Jin's laughing like a seal, dropping the sugar and gripping his stomach. At this moment, Namjoon wants to insult Jin for being so damn corny, but on the other hand, he wants to kiss him on the lips and taste the hazelnut coffee on his tongue he drank twenty minutes ago. But sadly enough, Jin isn't his (will he ever be?).

"I'll put rat poisoning inside your cupcake, don't tempt me, hyung." Namjoon threatened, cracking the eggs inside of the red bowl with white hearts scattered all around. That's exactly how Namjoon's heart is feeling, it's all scrambled and he knows what he wants, but he isn't sure what -- who -- he wants happens to want him back and basically, it's just a lot of wanting and crying.

"Knowing you, you'd probably find a way to accidentally poison yourself. You're like a baby deer. Bambi? That's fitting, right?" Jin questioned, dipping a finger inside of the green frosting he made (he doesn't trust the store brand) and fuck, Namjoon just discovered his new aesthetic.

Namjoon's cheeks heat up and he tries to hide behind the silver cupcake tray. "I don't know why I'm friends with you. I've done everything for you and the only thing I get in return is a comparison to a Disney animal, I'm flattered -- truly."

The pink haired man laughs, teeth on full display, looking absolutely angelic and Namjoon wonders how he got so lucky to have somebody as amazing as Jin is.

"But on a real note, let me treat you to a dinner date you can't resist. You've been stressing so much about working on this presentation and you haven't been eating right. I'm worried, Joon," Jin had a frown on his face, cupping Namjoon's face in between his hands and squeezing. God, if it'd been anybody but Jin, Namjoon would've socked them right in the face, but since it's Jin, his heart is speeding up and beating at an abnormal rate.

"I'm fine - honestly. I'm in the university on scholarship, I can't mess that up for myself by slacking off. I'm sorry that I'm such a shit friend, I've been ignoring you and you don't deserve it."

It's true that ever since Namjoon had been assigned to the damned human phycology presentation, he hasn't been around for Jin all that much. He's been treating Jin so cold because granted, he is on scholarship, but Jin's been there for him whenever he needed it and now Jin needs him for once and he's not there.

"Listen to me," Jin grabbed Namjoon's chin and leveled their eyes so that they were looking directly at each other. "I'm not mad at you at all, Joon. Please don't think for a minute that you're not a good friend -- you are. You've always been there for me, let me be there for you."

The taller sighed and looked down at the floor covered in flour and little specks of icing. "Okay."

"What was that? I can't hear you, Bambi."

"Okay," Namjoon repeated louder, a pretty rose hue settling in on his cheeks. He has a feeling that nickname won't be going anywhere any time soon.

"That's the spirit, friend," Jin clasped a hand on Namjoon's shoulder and smiled brightly at him.

'Friend. A term I can't seem to get a grip of,' Namjoon thought to himself.

"Let's put the cupcakes in the oven, now. Tae's gonna love these for his birthday."

Taehyung. A mutual friend between the two of them. Taehyung's a free soul and an amazing friend -- but don't let Jin hear Namjoon say that, he gets jealous when he makes new friends. It's not like Jin doesn't allow Namjoon to widen his spectrum of friends, but Jin just thinks Namjoon is a little bit too accepting and gullible -- a little. Jin just doesn't want for him to get hurt.

"Yeah," Namjoon replied with a smile that didn't quite reach his eyes -- nowadays, they never do unless it involves Jin in the mix.

Jin tried to reach over to scoop out more frosting to plop in his mouth, but as he retracted his hand, Namjoon caught him and slapped his arm away. "What did I do?"

"Now you have to get more frosting -- store brand this time." Jin groaned and walked out of the kitchen and Jimin came bustling in with rainbow sprinkles.

"Hey, hyung, I got the sprinkles and I found a movie we can watch. I'm sorry I couldn't come earlier, Kookie was sick with the stomach flu."

"It's fine," Namjoon reassured once he put the cupcakes inside of the oven. "We can watch the movie until Jin comes back. You can bring Kook, but he can't be anywhere near the cupcakes."

"You got it."

•••

"Hyung, don't be mad, but I kind of was listening to your conversation you had with Jin Hyung -- I just didn't want to see you get hurt. So, what's this about the two of you going on a dinner date?"

"I swear it. And he's big and plays football and will beat the shit out of you!" Casey, from the movie 'Scream', yelled into the speaker of the white phone.

Namjoon swallowed the fizzy cherry soda, stuffing his mouth with Goobers so he didn't have to talk about it. It's not that he doesn't want to open up to Jimin, it's just that having feelings for Jin is the number one thing stressing him out right now and for once, he'd like to think about something else - anything else but Jin.

Jimin turned to look at the man with purple hair. "I know it's stressing you out, but you're gonna have to talk about it. It's not good to bottle up your feelings. Why don't you just...tell him how you really feel? What could go wrong? If he's straight, there's nothing you can do about it. You'll move on, Joon, you're strong, I know you are."

His jaw clenched and he chuckled bitterly. "Tell him how I really feel, huh? I can't, I can't. If I do and he doesn't like me back, it'll ruin everything. And now he wants to take me out on a dinner date. I don't even know what that means. He's confusing me and he doesn't even know it."

"I know he is, Joon. I'll be behind you if you choose to tell him or not, don't let this stress you out too much. We're still so young, feelings come and go."

"Yeah," Namjoon agreed as Casey got stabbed in the chest, "but what I feel isn't some dumb elementary school crush. I really like him a lot, Chim. I don't know what to do with myself."

Jimin scoots over the big leather couch with a smile on his face, arms wide open and welcoming warm eyes. "C'mon."

Namjoon gave in, going on for the hug and resting his cheek on Jimin's warm chest, his level breathing was soothing and calmed Namjoon's down. Jimin and Namjoon have been friends since they met at the university. But, Namjoon has known Jin since elementary school, having met over a dropped peanut butter and banana sandwich (by Namjoon) and a shared Lunchable (by Jin).

He and Jimin bonded close because they both started going to the university relatively around the same time. Namjoon can admit, it isn't the most strongest reason to start a friendship, but their bond is strong -- one that can't be broken.

"What's going on in here?" A deep voice startled the two of them apart, popcorn toppling on the floor. Jeongguk walked out into the living room with a white shirt and grey sweatpants on, eyes rimmed red and a cup of tea in his hand. "Why are we all hugging -- did somebody die?"

Jimin chuckled softly, "No, Gukkie. You know that Joon likes Jin, right?"

Jeongguk nodded his head. "Yeah, ever since ninth grade -- it's like the ultimate story of unrequited love. Hyung told me the story like, five times already."

"Well," Jimin sighed. "Jin just invited Namjoon Hyung over for a dinner date."

Jeongguk clapped his hands and smiled with his bunny teeth. "That's good, right? He might like you back, hyung."

"I don't know about that, Guk," Namjoon finally spoke up. "It's more to it than just that. This sucks a lot."

"Why can't you just see how it plays out? Maybe he does like you. What's the worst that could happen?" Jeongguk asked.

"I could confess and he doesn't like me anymore, I ruin sixteen ongoing years of friendship, and then I'll always feel guilty about it."

"You worry too much. Think about it -- Jin is always so protective over you and there's no arguing that you're his favorite out of all of us," Jimin explained.

"Who does he sit with on movie night?" Jeongguk questioned.

"Me."

"And who didn't he yell at when you had a nightmare and went to sleep with him?" Jimin joined in.

"Me?"

"Exactly," They both said at the same time.

"You got this." Jeongguk nodded his head and sat down on the couch. "What the hell is this?" Jeongguk asks, pointing his head toward the movie. Both Jimin and Namjoon laugh.

Maybe it'll all be fine, right?

•••

Never in Namjoon's life did he expect to be cowering in fear over a doorbell. But, it's Jin's door and he's invited him over to have dinner with him and they're friends so why should this be weird? Is he the one making it weird?

Should he not have bought the wine as a gesture? That's what you're supposed to do, right? Fuck, get a grip of yourself Namjoon. You got this.

You're Kim-Motherfucking-Namjoon.

Yeah, the same Kim-Motherfucking-Namjoon that broke his leg when he fell off of the bed to open his Christmas presents when he was fifteen. God, that doesn't really help him at all right now. He should just knock before he loses all courage and has to make up some janky excuse for why he couldn't come to the dinner date like he forgot to take his meatloaf out of the oven or water his chicken plant.

Knocking on the door, his heart pounds against his chest and maybe he should just turn around and go home because chicken plants are hard to come across and he'd be damned if he was to let one of them die. Is he going insane?

Probably.

Jin opens the door looking too good for the human eye and Namjoon wants to hug him and kiss him until his lips go numb. He has a pair of black sweatpants on and a black shirt with warm red and green striped socks. Namjoon feels overdressed in his tight black jeans and an oversized, fuzzy, soft peach colored sweater. The wine bottle is cold against his finger pads, so he holds it in between his sweater paws.

"Joon! Come in, the food's almost done, about ten more minutes. We're having pizza, I hope you don't mind. I was going to make bulgogi, but that would take too long. If you don't like pizza, we can get something different -- whatever you want."

"Can I come in f-first? It's cold out here."

"Oh, of course, I'm sorry, I just wanted this to be perfect because you've been so busy and stressed and --"

Namjoon puts his hand on Jin's bare arm and his skin feels so soft against his. "Jin, it's fine. Pizza is amazing. Who doesn't love pizza?"

Jin's shoulders sag and he beckons for Namjoon to follow him inside. It's so nice inside of Jin's house, nothing's out of place and the smell of gingerbread cookies from the Yankee candle is perfect and Jin has the whitest, fluffiest cat named Marshmallow and Namjoon wants to pet her soft fur.

The couches are white and you sink into them when you sit down and the walls are painted a pale pistachio color. Even down to the lamps, they all work and they're not bent out of shape like Namjoon's are (it's not a smart idea to try and get a drink of water with the lights off).

The TV is on and 'Home Alone' is playing and it's on the part where Kevin's in the bathroom, screaming into the mirror after he puts the after shave on his face. Everything in Jin's house feels like home and it's very comforting.

"I brought wine. I had to bring something, it's not my style to show up empty-handed," Namjoon tells Jin as he sits the glass bottle on top of the marble countertop in the kitchen. Jin grabs two wineglasses and pours the dark red liquid into the red tinted glass.

"You didn't have to, but let's drink!"

"Why are they red?" Namjoon laughed, swishing the red wine around in the cup before he takes a sip.

"Hey," The elder whined. "They had a big clearance sale after Valentine's day and I couldn't just pass it up. They came in handy ten months later, but whatever."

"You really are your father's son."

"Well, that's quite obvious, isn't it?" Jin rolled his eyes.

"Yeah, but I mean -- he just used to buy the most random things 'cause they were on sale."

"True. Remember when you had that huge crush on Eunji? I was so mad that you liked her, I thought she was ruining our friendship so I poured apple juice all over your pants. Remember they called you Nampiss for like, the rest of the year?" Jin cackled loudly, going over to check on the pizza.

"That wasn't funny. I was going to run away after that day. I grabbed my Ryan plushie and my Monopoly money to run away with -- I had it all figured out."

"I can imagine little clumsy Namjoon trying to run away, tripping over his own feet." The younger had a blush high on the apples of his cheeks and wanted to bury his head inside of a hole.

"My mom caught me stuffing gummy snacks into my back pocket. Apparently, nine year old me thought I could survive off of Scooby Doo snacks. The blue ones are the best flavor."

Chuckling again, Jin grabbed his orange oven mitt and grabbed the pizza out of the oven. God, Jin is the best damn cook, Namjoon doesn't care what anyone says. Steam from the pizza rises and the smell of melted cheese and pepperoni reminds Namjoon that he hasn't eaten since this morning and it was the end remnants of some Cinnamon Toast Crunch because he hasn't been shopping in a while.

"How many slices?"

"I'll take two, I'm so hungry. You know, you're actually fun to be around when you aren't telling your horrible dad jokes," Namjoon joked. "You're like an official unofficial dad, it's hilarious."

"I know, right?" Jin handed Namjoon his pizza and shooed him off to the living room. Jin sits his plate down on the glass coffee table and walks over to the DVD player where his impressive collection of DVD'S reside.

"What type of movie you want to watch? I got 'Pitch Perfect', 'Get Out', 'Austin Powers', 'Paranormal Activity' --"

"Ew, is that the movie with the British man with the hairy chest who keeps saying 'groovy baby'? Let's not watch that," Namjoon frowned. Taking a bite out of his pizza, he moaned. "You really are a good chef, Jin."

Jin thanked Namjoon and went to search for more movies. "Alright, what about 'The Babadook'?"

"Really, Jin? Why can't we just watch 'Awkward' episodes?"

"Come on, live a little. 'The Babadook' is undoubtedly a classic and he's a gay icon."

"Is this your way of coming out to me because you know I'll love you no matter what gender you like. Love is --"

Jin covered his ears after he put the movie into the Sony DVD player. "No, I'm not gay -- vaginas and stuff. Football and beer, manly man things."

That didn't send a pang directly to Namjoon's heart, nope it didn't.

"Maybe you're a bear," The man on the couch shrugged his shoulders. "I don't think I am."

"Is this you getting back at me for calling you Bambi?"

"No, you idiot. A 'bear' is a gay term. It's used to describe a big, manly gay guy."

"Speaking of gay guys," Jin walked back to the couch and sat next to Namjoon. He's fine, his heart totally isn't beating against his chest. Jin laughed and gave Namjoon a heart melting smile that had his organ turned into goo and his love was leaking everywhere -- he needs to not show Jin a lot of interest. "Any boy toys or love interests?"

Namjoon downs the rest of his wine, getting up to refill his glass, but Jin grabs him by the arm. "Really that bad, huh?" He had a frown on his face and Namjoon wished he could read minds because Jin has this look on his face Namjoon can't decode for the life of him.

Namjoon sits back down.

"I don't have boy toys, that's just rude," Namjoon frowned.

"Sorry, how bad is it?"

"I haven't had time to find anybody -- with school and all," Namjoon rubbed the rim of the glass with his thumb. "Sad, right?"

"Hey, it's not sad, you've been working so hard. Don't bring yourself down."

"I guess you're right," He sat the glass cup down and rubbed his temples. "I do like somebody, but they're straight and that's the story of my life."

"You'll find somebody, Joonie Bug," Jin ruffled Namjoon's hair and he groaned, trying to swat his fingers away.

"Don't call me that," Namjoon pouted and scooted away from Jin. "I thought that we agreed to leave the nickname in the tenth grade? My mom slipped up once and next thing you know, everybody in math class is calling Joonie Bug."

"I'll let it go if you tell me what you and Yuta did in the closet."

Namjoon glared at the elder. "Jin, that was in like eleventh grade. We were all drunk, it didn't mean anything. It was nothing -- really. I wouldn't lie to you."

"Well then, if it's nothing, it shouldn't make a difference if you tell me, right?"

Sighing, the purple haired boy scoots back over to Jin, "You'll let it go, right? If I tell you, no more 'Joonie Bug', okay? You have to promise me." Jin shook his head eagerly and leaned in.

"Well, if you really want to know," Namjoon bit his lip and wrung his hands. Jin scooted closer, eyes wide. "He..."

"What? What did he do?"

"He showed me his Pokemon collection and it was so hot, Jin. Like, I almost came in my pants when he whipped out his Squirtle," Namjoon shook with laughter when Jin punched his shoulder.

"Be serious with me, Joon."

"Okay," He finally gave in. "We only kissed a little bit -- nothing too heavy. He was so nice to me -- and cute. It's a shame he moved away."

"Oh."

"Why only 'oh'? 'Oh' what?"

"You  _heard_ all of the bad things they were saying about him, but you still -- you still did what you wanted to do. I  _warned_ you.

"What? Do you think you'd find me in an alleyway strung out on heroin? I might've been a little stupid, but I wasn't  _fucking crazy_ or some  _wannabe junkie_."

"He was into some really  _fucked up_ drugs, Joon. You could've died. I couldn't live with myself is something bad happened to you -- and knowing I warned you and I didn't get through to you."

Namjoon was done. "Is this all about being right? Like, seriously?"

"No. This is about you being so...stupid."

"You know what?" Namjoon asked, getting up from the sofa. "Fuck this and fuck you."

"You know that's not what I meant. What would I say to your parents? How could you do that to them, they'd be so devastated. Do you not know how much they love you?"

"My parents..." Namjoon trailed off. "Do you know how much pressure I was under to be perfect?"

"That means they love you. They only ever wanted the best for you," Jin reasoned. "Joon, I  _envied_ your family -- I still do."

"You sound like my father," Namjoon laughed, a dark humor behind his words. "He wants the best for _himself_ , not _me_. I don't even think that they care about me. Screw it, right? People who can't support me and my dreams have no place in my life."

"I just -- I assumed and I shouldn't have." Jin rubbed his hands over his face and sighed loudly. "I'm sorry. This is the part where I say that, right?"

"And this is the part where I reluctantly accept your half-assed apology, but still want to punch you in the face, right?" Namjoon asked sarcastically.

"Yeah," Jin had a hint of a smile. "What else don't I know about you, Kim Namjoon?"

"I once broke that vase in your house when we were playing hide and go seek."

"You little shit," Jin tickled him. "You let me take the blame for that? I had to write 'I will not run in the house'  _fifty_ times." Namjoon laughed, happy that they were back to normal again.

•••

About fifty minutes later, the two men are on the couch giggling as the credits roll. "Let's play truth or dare," Namjoon suggested.

"You want to play seven minutes in heaven and make matching friendship bracelets and necklaces after?" Jin questioned sarcastically. 

"You've been hanging around Yoongi Hyung too long," Namjoon decided. "Come on, Jin, don't be a party pooper."

"No. N-O, no. Opposite of yes," Jin said, taking another sip of his wine.

"Jinnie Hyung, you're so daebak!" Namjoon said, using the one thing he posseses that Jin can't fight -- aegyo. Namjoon did the 'V' sign with his fingers, putting them sideways to his eyes, making a finger heart afterward. "Jinnie ~, pay attention to me! I'm your fav dongsaeng, right?" Namjoon batted his lashes and hid a laugh behind his hand.

"Oh, please stop," Jin begged.

"I'm yeppeo, right? Jeongmal yeppeo? Am I your jagiya, Jinnie Hyungie? Aish, why won't you answer me? Aigoo ~. Hyungie, I gotta tell you secret. Hyungie. Hyungie. Hyungie."

"What?" Jin asked, already knowing he wasn't going to win the battle. He's having war flashbacks of Namjoon in his bunny ear headband, making finger hearts.

"Johahaeyo," Namjoon smiled sweetly. That was the straw that broke the camel's back.

"Okay, okay. We can play truth or dare you big baby," Jin caved. "Just stop -- it's so cute and it shouldn't be because you're a grown man."

"Nobody can resist my aegyo, it's my specialty," Namjoon said solemnly. 

"Okay, you want to first?" Jin suggested.

"Sure. Truth or dare?"

"Fuck it, dare," Jin told him, downing the rest of the wine in his cup, drinking straight out of the bottle.

"Wow, your liver must love you," Namjoon said sarcastically.

"Dare," Jin repeated.

"I dare you to call the first person in your call log and convince them that you've got a squirrel stuck up your rectum."

"Easy," Jin grabbed his phone, clicking on Taehyung's caller ID and dialing.

'Put it on speaker' Namjoon mouthed, giggling into his arm.

"Hello?" Taehyung answered.

"Yeah, hi Taehyung, I'm in a bit of a...pickle right now, I need your help," 'Those drama classes weren't for nothing,' Jin said to himself.

"Sure, what is it?" Taehyung asked easily.

"I have something stuck inside of me and I don't know how to...get it out."

"You want me to drive you to the hospital? I'm twenty minutes out of town, but I can be there in fifteen minutes."

"Don't you want to know...what's stuck inside of me?" Jin wondered. Namjoon but his arm, trying not to make a sound.

"Okay?" Taehyung sounded confused. "So, what  _exactly_ is stuck inside of you?"

"A squirrel. Is up. My ass," Jin told him and Namjoon burst out laughing, holding his face to a throw pillow on the couch.

"What? A squirrel? How? How did you  _get_ one stuck you know -- in there? Is this a joke? I swear to God, if Namjoon is behind this --"

"Bye Taehyungie!" Jin shouted, hanging up the phone and leaning back with a satisfied smirk. Cocky bastard. "Your turn."

"Truth."

"Is it true Lisa cut her tongue on your braces when you two kissed back in the second grade?" Jin asked, wiggling his brows.

"Oh God, don't remind me of that, it was such a traumatic experience."

"No, you have to answer it or I get to give you any dare I want, like making you suck my toes or something."

"First of all -- ew. Second of all -- it's true. She cut her tongue and she got blood all over my shirt. Truth or dare?"

"Truth."

"Have you ever looked at another guy in a totally non-platonic be kind of way?" He was always curious about that.

"I would lick chocolate off of Tyler Posey's chest -- no homo."

"Oh, he is really hot -- all of the homo," Namjoon agreed and took a long swig from the bottle of wine.

"Dare," Jin said before Namjoon could even ask the question. "And give me some hard core shit -- make me lick the inside of a damn toilet bowl. Okay, maybe not that, but I don't want a weak ass dare."

"I dare you to tell me the truth. Would I make a great pornstar?" Namjoon doesn't know where that came from, but it's out there and there's no taking it back.

"Are you having financial problems? I can help you out, Joon, all you need to do is ask me. There's no need to resort to such drastic measures --" Jin teased.

"Shut up, just answer the question," Namjoon felt his face heating up.

Jin hummed, "Maybe. You're so innocent, it would be weird. I mean, a lot of people go for that innocent thing so I guess it's even better that you're like that in real life. What's up with the question? Do I have to worry about seeing you on PornHub?"

"Unless you like gay porn, no" Namjoon retorted, quirking his brow.

"You got me, you little shit," Jin admitted, smiling.

"One more round," Namjoon said. "I'm getting a little bit tired."

"Ah, I don't know," Jin was stumped. "I got it. Do the most spontaneous thing you can think of doing right now."

Namjoon felt a burn in the bottom of his stomach, knowing what he wants to do and he has the perfect is open.

Maybe it was a glitch in the matrix, maybe he was momentarily possessed by a gay demon, maybe he's too drunk, maybe it's all him and he should stop trying to pass the blame off to other things as the purpose behind his behavior. But, Namjoon surged in, taking Jin by surprise, himself by surprise, and he's sure God was clutching his pearls, too. His lips were so smooth and soft and plush and Jin wasn't pushing him off? Jin wrapped an arm around Namjoon's waist, willing them to press further together, the younger practically sitting in Jin's lap.

Jin's blood ran cold and he pushed Namjoon off of him, "You need to leave -- right now. You're drunk, Namjoon. You made me kiss you, why would you do that? I'm not gay," He told him shakily, breathing heavily. The room was spinning and he's  _pissed_ at Namjoon and he isn't really sure why. Maybe it's the fact that Namjoon just stumbled into his life when Jin thought he had everything in order and kissed him, sending everything in his brain out of wack and now he's gay?

"We were just playing around, it didn't mean anything, right?" Namjoon asked him, just hoping and praying Jin would say that it didn't mean anything even though it might fuck up his heart.

"No, Joon. I don't think it just 'didn't mean anything' to you. I need some time to think."

"You don't mean that," Namjoon shook his head, "you can't mean that."

"I do. I need some time to think, Namjoon, I won't repeat myself again."

"No, it didn't mean anything to me, Jin. It was just a dare," Namjoon was hoping, he was grabbing, he was reaching for something obtainable that would stop Jin from walking out of his life. Who fucking cares if it hurts his heart? His relationship with Jin is so much more precious, his feelings don't matter.

"Don't lie to me, Namjoon. How long? How long have you liked me?" These feelings didn't just come from out of the blue.

"Jin..."

"How long have you liked me?!" Jin's voice boomed through the house, startling the purple haired man. "Just -- just give me this one thing."

"Freshman y-year," Namjoon stuttered out, looking at the ground.

"Huh," Jin chuckled, nothing funny at all about the situation they're in. "Get out."

"What?" Namjoon couldn't believe it. Jin was kicking him out? 

"I said: get out."

"You're ready to give up on our friendship, aren't you?" Namjoon asked incredulously, not even believing the own words coming out of his mouth. "I can see it in your eyes, Jin. Maybe if you didn't give up on your mom --"

"Don't. Don't bring her up. Get the hell out of my house or I'll call the cops," Jin's tone was so icy, it made Namjoon shiver.Those words hurt more than any punch ever could.

Namjoon calmed down; Jin tensed up.

"Okay. I'm sorry hyung --" Namjoon tried to backtrack, realizing how badly he just _fucked_ up. He honestly would rather Jin not talk to him for five months than have to guess whether they're friends or not.

"Don't do that. Don't try to take back what you said, it's out there. You meant it, did you not? How can you be a therapist and help others when you can't even help yourself? Say what you mean," Jin took a deep gulp of the wine, scowling when it was empty and throwing it at the wall, the sound of the glass coming in contact with the wall and breaking making Namjoon jump.

"I'm sorry Jin," Namjoon said again.

"If you're really sorry, you'd open the door and fucking leave. I  _don't_ want to see your face right now."

"You're right, I betrayed you," Namjoon swallowed the saliva in his mouth. "But, you're not innocent either. You won't even let me explain my --"

"Don't you dare try to put the blame on me in this! Who kept the secrets? Who kissed who? Who, Namjoon? Who?" Jin was  _livid_ and Namjoon's so fucking scared.

"We can talk this out in the morning," Namjoon tried again weakly. "I don't like fighting with you, Jin."

"Leave. Now. I'll... I'll call the police if you don't go now," Jin snarled.

"Okay," It hurt so much and he was afraid and he knows everything that happened was his fault. But...the police? Did Namjoon really go too far?

Namjoon grabbed his car keys from his back pocket and walked to Jin's door and the metal door knob felt so cold on his hand. "Take care of yourself, Jin, yeah?" The lump in his throat made it hard to talk and he sniffed.

"What do you mean by that?"

Namjoon scoffed and turned the knob, "You know exactly what I mean."

Kim Namjoon left.

Jin slid down on his couch, shaking as tears fell silently down his face. His head hurt and he doesn't know why he kissed Namjoon or why he blamed him and why he even likes Namjoon in the first place. He's never thought of Namjoon like this throughout their entire friendship, so what happened? Where was the switch, the exact part in their relationship where they were more than just friends or Jin wanted to be, at least?

Jin doesn't like talking about his mom. It's funny how the brain works. The worst memories are the ones you can't forget and the amazing ones seem to become a blur of the past as you get older. He still remembered hearing her beg for him to call the police but he was so mad and angry at her for leaving. She just packed up and left with her hot-shot fiance she was having an affair with and left Jin and his father to fend for themselves. His father had to pick up more hours and struggled to provide for the both of them during that time.

It was nights during Jin's childhood where his father had to fall asleep on an empty stomach just to make sure that Jin didn't starve. Everytime Jin tried to offer him food, his father would kindly decline with a 'Seeing you eat makes me full enough'. When he was fifteen, he didn't understand what his father meant and hated when he said that, but now he understands. When you love somebody so much and you'd give your life for them and you invest your entire being into them, it's a wonderful thing.

Turns out, Jin's mother walked right into the belly of the beast. She called him one night and told him how badly her new husband treated her and Jin told her she deserved it. Told her it was her fault and karma's a bitch. Her husband killed her, beat her to death and she was found clutching the house phone, the last six numbers that were on her call log were to Jin. So yeah, Namjoon was right. Maybe if he wasn't such a coward and didn't run from his issues, his mother would still be alive. He gave up on his mom. He at least paid her the respect of attending her funeral. Jin gave up on himself after that.

He gave up on Namjoon and shut him out. One day, Jin finally confessed what happened to his mother and Namjoon thought that Jin was getting better, but that's not what happened. Jin decided that he'd never forgive himself if he let Namjoon get away. He had to open up for Namjoon. He had to.

•••

And once Namjoon got inside of his car, that is where he let the tears fall. Away from pitying eyes and imposing, intruding, and uncomfortable questions.

He knows, he knows that deep down in his heart, he shouldn't have brought up Jin's mother. Namjoon knows how much of a sensitive topic that is for Jin and he still pulled it out to hurt him. It's just that he was so mad. He got to finally kiss Kim Seokjin, but it didn't feel good. It didn't feel good getting his first kiss from his crush for years on end under these terms and circumstances. It didn't even really feel like a first kiss to him. A first kiss isn't isn't supposed to be regretted. It's true, he does regret asking (telling) Jin to kiss him and he'd take it all back if it meant that he wasn't mad at him anymore.

This is just his luck. Of course he'd ruin the friendship he cares about the most because of a dare. He chuckled wetly and wiped the tears from his eyes. He put the key into the ignition and drove home, but he couldn't get Jin off of his mind. Everything reminded him of Jin.

The mailbox reminded Namjoon of the time when Jin was thirteen, Namjoon being eleven. They rode around on their bikes that entire summer, always by each other's side causing mischief. It was one extremely hot day when Namjoon -- being Namjoon -- crashed into a mailbox when he tried to do a wheelie. He fell off of his bike and scraped up his knee pretty bad. The part of this story he remembers the most is not being able to stop crying. He cried all the way home until Jin shut him up. Jin used some of his allowance money in his piggy bank and bought Namjoon ice cream.

Mint chocolate chip dipped in hot fudge chocolate and rainbow sprinkles.

The stop sign reminded him when Jin had graduated highschool and got his own car after months of saving up for one. They were drunk and ran so many damn stop signs, he's surprised that they didn't hit anybody. When they got pulled over, Namjoon almost pissed his pants at the mere thought of getting arrested, but the police officer was nice and let them off of the hook, just reprimanded them and commanded them to not let it happen again or there would be serious repercussions. Driving away from the police officer, they laugher their asses off at how much of a lucky bastard that Jin is.

Namjoon pulled up to his house, a comfy apartment with one bedroom and a nice kitchen he never uses. It goes to waste, really. It's crazy, incredible, how that argument with Jin raised Namjoon up to sobriety. Truth be told, Namjoon still shouldn't be driving no matter how 'sober' he thinks he is, but at least he didn't get pulled over when he almost swerved into a pole turning into his neighborhood.

He walked inside the house, forgetting that Jimin was staying over his house until Jeongguk, his roommate and boyfriend, got his stomach flu under control. Jimin was fast asleep on the couch, cheeks puffed out adorably and if Namjoon wasn't so overwhelmed with sadness, anger, regret, and everything in between, he'd probably pinch Jimin's cheeks until he swatted his fingers away groggily.

Namjoon walked straight into his room and grabbed his black earbuds off of the dresser and plugged them into his phone. Sometimes, music is the only thing that can sooth him, the only thing that can help him fall asleep. He can't be at peace knowing that Jin's mad at him and he might have just jeopardized their relationship over a drunken kiss.

Life is really kicking his ass right now.

He kicks off his black boots and let's the music fill his ears, cloud his mind, flow into his bloodstream and take complete control over his body.

He'd rather Jin not speak of the kissing incident tonight and find a stable and pretty girlfriend unlike Namjoon than be alone to deal with the silence by himself.

God, anything but the silence.

•••

Jin stumbles off of his couch and goes to the bathroom, looking at his eyes that are rimmed red and glossy with tears. His forehead is a bright pink red color from pulling at his hair roots because he was frustrated. Frustrated at himself for letting Namjoon get away and he didn't tell him to stop, to come back. He just really wants to hold Namjoon until he falls asleep and kiss him awake when the sun comes out. But, he doesn't know where these mysterious feelings came from. Were they in hiding? Were these feelings like a dormant seed and was a drunken kiss the water it needed to sprout?

Right now, Jin wants to do everything with Namjoon -- he wants to kiss him when he's having a bad day and make him bulgogi for dinner. Maybe Jin wants to be intimate with Namjoon and explore every single part of his body he doesn't like and find out what can make him cry out in pleasure. No. No. No. That won't ever happen because Namjoon hates him, he doesn't want anything to do with him.

"Fuck. Fuck. Fuck." He paces around the bathroom, tears blurring his vision and a lump forming in his throat.

All he can think about is Namjoon crying on the floor in that damned peach sweater and still looking like an angel and how stupid he is for letting him walk out of the door.

Everything good in his life is taken away from him or he ruins it. Prime example: Namjoon and his mother.

He can only think to call his father. To ask him what he should do, but it's five in the morning.

No, he doesn't want to think about it.

But --

What if Namjoon got into an accident? Jin doesn't deserve to be the last person to see him before he died, his parents or people who can love him and don't tear him down should. Before he can rethink it, he runs out of the bathroom and grabs his phone off of the charger. He dials Namjoon's number and waits anxiously for him to pick up.

"Come on, Joon, hate me later, I just need to know you're okay. I love you, I'm so sorry I'm such an --"

"Hey, this is Namjoon --"

"Joon, you're fine, right?" Jin asked, interrupting him in the middle of his sentence and Jin will remember to apologise after he finds out he's fine.

"I'm not available right now, but you know what to do. Your call is very important to me and I'm sorry that I missed it!"

Next, Jin dials Jimin's number with shaky fingers and wipes his face again, a hand on his hip and moving around. He can't keep still. Kim Namjoon -- his Kim Namjoon, his Bambi, his Joonie Bug could be hurt.

Ring.

Ring.

Ring.

Ring.

"Hello?" Jimin picks up, voice gravelly and yawning into the receiver. "Who is this? Jin? What do you need?"

"Jimin, is Joon in his room?"

"Yeah, he's sleeping right now, but he was crying earlier, I could hear him sniffling. Why, what happened?"

"It's best if he tells you. Just -- don't tell him I called, yeah? He hates me and once you find out what I did, you'll hate me too. I'm sorry, Chim, I didn't mean to hurt him, you know I'd never hurt him on purpose. I'm such an idiot."

"Jin, what happened? Are you --"

Jin hung up the phone and fell asleep that night drowned in his tears and he deserves every ounce of pain he's feeling right now.

•••

'Fuck me,' Is the only reasonable thing Namjoon can say first thing in the morning. He remembers everything that happened last night and he doesn't know if that's a good or bad thing. His head is pounding and his eyes are doing a feeble attempt to adjust to the light inside of his room. He unlocks his phone and sees a missed call from Jin and wonders why he called him. Maybe to tell him to stay away from him? To tell him it was very pathetic of Namjoon to try to come on to him? To tell him he's found a girlfriend who doesn't kiss her best friends when she's drunk?

His stomach is flipping up and down and you can take that as literal as you'd like.

Namjoon rushed to the bathroom and opens the door, throwing up everything in his stomach and groans.

Hangovers are the worst. Especially hangovers where you remember what happened the previous night and what you remember is something you regret dearly. Namjoon brushed his teeth and flossed and used Listerine. What can he say? Bile is disgusting. Truly. He hopes that Jin is doing fine even if Jin probably isn't wishing the same for him. He really just wants this all to be the most scary and fucked up nightmare ever so he can wake up to a smiling Jin and those God awful puns he likes.

Walking out into the kitchen, he sees Jimin sitting at the table eating Frosted Flakes and a banana, talking to someone on the phone -- probably Jeongguk.

"Did you take your vitamins? I know they taste nasty, but don't you want to get better? For me, at least? I miss you too, Guk. I'll be home soon, just take the vitamins. I love you too -- and eat your soup! Bye!"

"Good morning, Chim."

"Morning, Joon. Bad night, huh?"

He scooped coffee beans into the coffee machine, grabbing the creamer and sugar. "I guess you could say that."

"Want to talk about it?" He suggested, peeling the banana and taking a bite.

Jimin is gorgeous and so is Jeongguk. They are the ultimate power couple and that opinion isn't up to debate. They both have clear skin and these amazing jawlines that could cut diamond. The two of them were a force to be reckoned with because between Jeongguk's innocent bunny smile and Jimin's puffy cheeks, they could have you doing anything they wanted. Namjoon wants to be like them even though they tell him that they might seem perfect, they still have fights like any normal healthy couple does.

"I didn't exactly take yours and Kook's advice, but something happened. I kissed -- we kissed and he blamed the entire incident on me. I called him out on it when he tried to kick me out, I told him he always runs away from his problems. I brought up his mom, Chim, it was so bad," Namjoon rubbed his temples and looked at the bitter, dark liquid drip into his mug. He stirred sugar into his mug.

"What's wrong about bringing up his mom? What happened?"

"Oh," He realized. Jimin didn't know what happened, nobody ever told him. "His mother -- she left when he was a kid, she was having an affair and Jin didn't take it lightly. When I mean he hated her, it was like he slowly fell out of love with his own mother, it was horrible, Jimin. Her new boyfriend was abusing her and it got so bad one day she called Jin asking him to call the police --"

"Why didn't she just call the police herself?"

"If she would've done that, her boyfriend would've been arrested. Neighbors had already called the cops on them before and he had a warrant. I'm guessing she thought she could play it off as a robbery and she tried to fight back and it didn't end well. She loved that man, she really did and he -- he took her away too soon," Tears were in Namjoon's eyes again, thinking about the funeral and how swollen her face had been. After that, Namjoon had night terrors about her and couldn't sleep without Melatonin.

"That's," Jimin choked, "that's terrible. I can't even imagine the guilt he felt after her funeral -- or when he got the call."

Namjoon's grades started to fall and he had no time to worry about how Jin was handling the situation because his mom was always hounding him and up his ass about his report card. Straight D's.

It wasn't like Namjoon at all.

Namjoon was crying again.

"I-I screwed up big time, Jimin. He kept yelling at me, saying it was my fault and that I came on to him. I swear, it wasn't like that at all. We kissed, we kissed and I didn't force myself on him. I wouldn't do that. Don't leave me, I can't lose you too."

"Namjoon, calm down. I'm not leaving you, hyung. I think you two had a lot of tension that was just swept under the rug and maybe you guys should have talked about it. Look, Jin called last night and I'm such an ass for telling you this because he specifically told me not to, but he thinks you hate him. Is that true?"

"God no, I'd never hate Jin -- I love him, Jimin. I love him. I love Kim Seokjin," He was smiling and he just wanted to go outside and punch the first stranger he sees because love can do that to you. It makes you spontaneous and stupid and stressed, but who cares about the latter? Kim Namjoon is in love and he wants to shout it out to the rooftops.

"Why don't you tell him?" Jimin asked, exasperated at how difficult the two of them were being.

"It's not as simple as that, Jimin. I can't --"

"Why can't it be that simple? You both are so stupid, God, it's sad. The two of you obviously love each other, but you're both so damn stubborn." Jimin got up from the table and put his bowl in the sink.

"Jimin, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you angry --"

"I'm leaving, thanks for letting me stay here."

"Wait," Namjoon called out, hiccuping and tears falling down his cheeks. "You'll just leave that easily after we fight?"

Jimin rolled his eyes. "You know I'm not leaving -- and can you try not to have a panic attack? I need space, hyung, some time to myself. It seems like every time we talk now, it's about Jin."

"It's been once," He defended.

"Yeah, whatever. Bye."

Namjoon sighed.

•••

When Jin woke up, his back hurt and his head hurt and he ran out of Tylenol. So sure, Jin's morning is going pretty good. 

Of course, he got fucking glass stuck in his right fucking foot from the fucking wine bottle he threw at his stupid fucking wall like a fucking idiot. Fuck, he scared Namjoon when he did, he seen how he flinched. At the time, he was too angry to acknowledge it, but now he's regretting his actions last night.

He heads downstairs and eats a slice of pizza for breakfast and gets in shower. It wouldn't make much sense to anyone else, but Jin just wanted to wash off all of what happened last night. The guilt, the tears, the horrible memories. But, not the kiss. He wanted to remember that and hopes he never forgets it. The way Namjoon moaned when he kissed up his neck and how his cheeks flushed the prettiest pink color and how it contrasted to his tan caramel skin. His skin bruises like a peach, Jin knows those hickeys are still there and isn't even worried if anybody else sees them. Let them, it'll just ensure they don't take Namjoon until Jin gets the balls to make a move.

On the other hand, maybe he should let Namjoon go. He still wants to be a part of his life, but maybe he should step aside for somebody who can love him better than Jin could. Fuck, it hurts and all he wants is to tell Namjoon he thinks he's ready to love again and he's in love with the clumsy man and he wants to be his boyfriend and dye his hair random colors like Namjoon does. Jin just wants what's best for Namjoon and if that just so happens to entail letting him go, he has to do it. It's better if he tells him he just wants to be friends -- if Namjoon even wants to be that.

Jin knows somebody else he can call besides his father. They'd tell him the truth even if it hurts. He met him in highschool in the cafeteria -- sophomore year. Jin tried to cut in front of him in line because he didn't get a chance to eat at home. Basically, the boy told him to fuck off and wait in line like everyone else was. Namjoon didn't like how rude the boy was to Jin, but Jin was amazed with how bold he was. The guy was so small and looked like Jin could bench press him, but he packed a mean glare.

Min Yoongi.

Min Yoongi who was a year younger than him and never calls Jin 'hyung' to piss him off on purpose. It doesn't really make Jin mad, it's just the unique type of friendship that they have. You know, Jin pretends to be offended with everything that Yoongi does and Yoongi pretends to hate Jin's entire being. Maybe it's not a front and Yoongi does really hate Jin, he's very indifferent, but he'll know what to do.

Jin's phone is on twenty percent and in his settings, it says he has thirty minutes left before his phone will involuntarily power off, so he decides to make this call quick.

Jin calls twice before he gets a response. "If I didn't answer the phone the other two times, that means I don't want to talk to you, you ass. It's nine in the morning. The only people up around this damn time are greasy, gaming teenagers and people who wear Jesus sandals with thick white tube socks. Neither of them do I like."

"I know, I'm sorry, I'm in a bind right now. Joon's mad at me, Yoongi. I fucked up and we kissed and feelings got hurt and I kicked him out -- I threatened to call the police on him if he didn't leave. He told me to take care of myself before he left. He still cares about me when he's angry and I treated him like shit."

"You're an idiot," Yoongi deadpanned.

"I know, I can't believe I let him get --"

"No, you're really an idiot Kim Seokjin. I can't believe this -- you threatened to call the police on him? What the fuck actually is your problem?"

"You know, I came to ask you for your advice, not to get chewed up and spit out by you. I know it's coming from Guk, so I don't need it from you too."

"You need to hear this, Jin. How could you do that to him? How could you just throw away the bond you two have for some fucking kiss? Who cares if you're gay or bisexual or if you like Namjoon? You really fucked up -- bad."

"He brought her up, Yoongi, tried to make it seem like I'm the reason my mom's dead. That's why I kicked him out, I've never been that pissed off in my entire life. It hurt even more because it came from him -- I'd expect him to be the most understanding," Jin was sighing and he's just so tired of explaining himself and he just wants Namjoon back and it doesn't matter how he gets him -- he just wants to have Namjoon back again.

"Did anybody apologize after? Like, after you two idiots yelled at each other drunkenly, did anybody regret it?"

"He did."

Yoongi sighed. That's how you know it's bad. Yeah, Yoongi always sighs, but he never sighs like this -- like he's just so defeated and his rolodex of hate just came to a screeching halt.

"Talk to him, hyung. You have to talk it out, that's all I can say. If you really like him, don't let him get away. You'll regret it for the rest of your life and then I'll be the one that has to listen to your stupid ass complain about it."

"I-I don't like him."

Jin doesn't know how feelings could come so quick from just a kiss. Sure, he thinks Namjoon is very attractive, but he never thought of himself as gay. Being gay isn't the problem, if he's gay, he's going to accept his sexuality and that's that, but it's so...abrupt. The timing is off -- horribly off.

"You don't have to lie to me, I have two eyes and I see how you guys act when you're around each other."

"How?"

"Like you're soulmates, like you can't be without the other, it's disgusting."

"Really?"

"Well, at least nothing violent happened, I'm hoping," Yoongi said monotonously. 

"I," Jin gulped. "I threw a bottle of wine at the wall."

Yoongi just sighed.

"Get him, you jerk. If you mess this up, the next time I see you, I'll make sure to pull your underwear so far up your ass that you taste cotton for three days."

"I'm still your --"

"I know, you're still my hyung, but I'm tired and you're interrupting my sleeping schedule. Get him back, Jin." Yoongi hung up and Jin feels like Cinderella and Yoongi's his rude fairy godmother.

Jin decides to call Jimin again.

"Hello?"

"Hey Jimin this is -- uh -- Jin. I need to talk to you about something. Can you help me? It's about Namjoon."

"I'm not with Namjoon, I left his house. I don't know why you both are being so difficult. Namjoon likes you, okay? He likes you and he's scared to tell you, but I'm not. I know it's not really my place to say, but I don't care." Jimin hung up and Jin was left dumbfounded.

Should he tell Namjoon he kind of maybe sort of, possibly, by chance feels the exact same way? Fuck, everything inside of Jin's head is screaming 'Namjoon' or 'idiot' and 'lovelovelove' like a mental word splash.

Jin's stressed.

Jin goes out for drinks.

•••

Namjoon's left standing in the middle of his small kitchen, the scent of scorched coffee invading his nostrils and a weird pain on the side of his neck. He winced when his fingers came up to graze over top of it lightly. Namjoon walked into the bathroom, turning on the bright light and focusing in on the pain on his neck.

A rash?

The marks are red with plum colored splotches decorated around the lining of it. They're hickeys, Namjoon soon comes to discover.

Hickeys mean last night.

Last night means kiss.

Kiss means Jin.

Jin means argument that Namjoon isn't sure how he can fix and a broken heart that doesn't have to be broken if he just stopped being such a punk and told Jin straight up he likes him. He'd probably be super awkward and say something really cringy like:

'Hey, I like you, you make my cardiovascular muscle skip a beat and my serotonin levels are off the charts all the time when I'm around you.'

The kiss. The kiss. The kiss. The kiss. The kiss. The kiss. The kiss. The kiss. The kiss. The kiss. The kiss. The kiss. The kiss. The kiss. The kiss. The kiss. The kiss. The kiss. The kiss. The kiss. The kiss. The kiss. The kiss. The kiss. The kiss. The kiss. The kiss. The kiss. The kiss. The kiss. The kiss. The kiss. The kiss. The kiss. The kiss. The kiss. The kiss. The kiss. The kiss. The kiss.

Crap, maybe Namjoon hasn't thought about the kiss enough. Well, kissing Jin was a fucking experience. It was like having a forbidden fruit that you know you shouldn't eat that could kill you, but it's too sweet for you to care. It's too bad, but it's so sweet and once you've had a bite, there's no way you can possibly try to return to your average life of eating boring and bland carrots.

God, he wishes what's going on between him and Jin is as simple stupid as eight grade math -- he would have passed with flying colors.

Now Jimin's angry at him and he has every right to be, but Jimin isn't really like Namjoon. At all. Not even bit. It's not Jimin's fault that Namjoon is a failure socially. It's not Jimin's fault that he can't get over this rational irrational fear of telling Jin he likes him and might even love him. It's not Jimin's fault that he can't not fuck things up.

Should he text him?

Jung Hoseok, the life of the party and a literal sunshine. Nobody could deny that Hoseok could put a smile on your face.

Everybody loves Hoseok and fuck -- if Namjoon didn't wish to be like him more and more these days.

_**[YOU]: Are you awake, can we talk?** _

_**Sent at 10:59AM** _

_**[HOE-SUCC]: yeh?** _

_**Sent at 11:13AM** _

_**[YOU]: i fucking hate my life.** _

_**Sent at 11:15AM** _

_**[HOE-SUCC]: call me?** _

_**Sent at 11:18PM** _

Namjoon calls him and waits for him to answer. Right now, he wants to just jump off of a fucking bridge if he has to explain himself one more time and he feels sick and hazy and he wants to cry and rip his hair out and kiss Jin and just shout out and tell God that he fucked up big time when he created him and wants to know his purpose in life because right now, he hasn't really amounted to much.

"Hey, Joon, you good?" Hoseok asked and he sounds out of breath. The only thing Namjoon can guess he's been doing is practicing a new dance and Namjoon's timing is always off. He's  _interrupting_ him. He's one hundred percent sure that Hoseok has more bigger, better, and important things to do than to listen to Namjoon  _pathetically complaining_ about his life that sucks ass.

"No. I thought lying would be better than the truth, but lying is caging me in and I hate my life right now. I get so tired of living the same life everyday and all I seem to do is ruin everything."

"W-Where is all of this coming from? Is everything fine -- do you want to come over and talk about it, Joon?"

"I don't know anymore. Have you ever just wanted to cry at everything you see? Like, I can't be productive because I'm hurting so much and I keep trying to cut ends and make them meet, but I'm losing my mind. Jin and I kissed. We kissed and now he doesn't want anything to do with me. It's my fault. All of it is. It's my fault Jin's hurting and Jimin hates me and I think I should just --"

"Don't finish it," He commanded. "I don't know exactly what happened, but don't keep blaming yourself. Say it. Say that you'll stop blaming yourself and that you'll talk it out with Jin. Joon, I don't see why you can't see how amazing you truly are -- it's so frustrating. Say it."

"I-I'll stop blaming myself."

"Continue."

"I'll talk it out with Jin."

"Good. When?"

"Tonight?"

"When?" Hoseok didn't like how Namjoon questioned what he wanted to do. Yeah, he did say what he wanted to do, but it was like he was asking Hoseok for his approval and that made him mad. He should be sure of himself. Namjoon's confidence isn't the best and it's so frustrating because all of the qualities Namjoon possesses makes Hoseok so envious of the younger.

"Tonight. Do you think it'll be okay, hyung?"

"There's no way to know for sure, but I'm sure it'll all be fine. If even for a second I could make you see that anybody would be lucky to have you ..."

Namjoon was scared. "I'm scared, is that normal, hyung?"

"Fear of change? Fear of somebody you love leaving your life? It's normal. Just -- he won't leave. I don't know how to put my finger on it, but he won't. He just won't."

•••

Jin's at the bar throwing back shots for everytime Namjoon crossed his mind.

Does Namjoon look both ways when he crosses Jin's mind? Of course not, he's so clumsy and he'd manage to get ran over in a mental world. That makes him laugh and he's crying and he's had too many dirty Martini's that he can't stand up straight. It's no lie he's been here too long and the bartender is getting tired of making him drinks -- that's for sure.

"Listen buddy, I don't know how bad you and your girlfriend fought or even if she's in the damn ICU, you need to leave. The bar's about to close anyway and I want to clock out early."

"You're an asshole, you know that?" Jin grabbed the black plastic bowl that was filled to the brim with complimentary peanuts and spilled it all over the floor. "Do your job," He said and walked out of bar and no matter how cringy it might seem to other people, Jin felt badass walking out of a bar like a cowboy in an old Western movie.

There was no way he was driving home. He couldn't really see that straight and he was falling over his feet, scuffing his shoes on the ground. Jin knows that a hangover after a hangover isn't healthy, nor is it a good look. He didn't want to seem like some love sick drunky that couldn't hold their shots of Tequila.

He needs to get home.

He needs to think about everything.

"Hey, are you alright?" A girl with dark black hair asks, wide brown eyes and a hand on Jin's shoulder. Jin was swaying side to side, standing in front of the bar.

"Yeah," He answered, rubbing his head, making sure to give the woman a nice and reassuring smile so she didn't worry too much about him. "Yeah, I had too many drinks -- that's not embarrassing to admit at all." Jin chuckled, and so did the woman.

"Well, maybe you should get home, then. Not to be rude, but you don't that 'stable' right now," She adjusted her small black skirt, rubbing her cherry red lips with her finger, fixing her lipstick.

Jin agreed, "You're right, I'm not really in the best state of mind either. Life is just so...stressing. I hate that word."

She nodded her head, "Sometimes I wish I could back to when I was only six years old, those were the days, man."

"Back when I ate Frosted Flakes and still poured sugar in the bowl," Jin added on. "My mom used to hate that," He chuckled softly.

"Rose."

"What?"

"My name -- it's Rose," The girl blushed and wore a bashful smile on her face.

"Jin. Kim Seokjin. It's nice to mee you. I find it unfortunate that we had to meet on such...circumstances?"

"No, it's alright. Maybe I should call an Uber for you, Kim Seokjin," Rose then suggested after ten seconds of silence.

"I think that'd be best, Rose." She pulled out her phone and called for an Uber.

Jin still considers himself straight, not gay or bisexual or all that jazz. Jin likes Namjoon because he's kind and talented, as well as humble -- he's really just an amazing human being all the way. He doesn't like Namjoon because he's a man, but because of his questions that make you think and have a total brain fart. He likes Namjoon because he's so damn beautiful and his plush lips and adorable closed-mouthed smile. Just the thought of him with somebody else, it gets his blood boiling and he doesn't really want to talk about that anymore.

"Can I see your phone?" Rose asks him.

"What?" He asks stupidly.

"I just want to need to text my mother, she's in the hospital and I'm not getting any reception. I just had a signal like two minutes ago," She held up her phone and there were no bars, so Jin handed over his iPhone reluctantly. After a few short moments of Rose typing, she hands Jin his phone back and he pockets it.

The Uber calls back, telling them he'd arrive in two minutes and as a blue Camry is rounding the corner, Rose speaks up again. "Stage two."

Jin, startled at her talking, looks at her with a hand over his heart. "What?"

"My mom -- she's at stage two. It uh -- it really spread fast. The doctor says that the tumors are as big as oranges now. Gotta make sure she's still okay, she's my everything, you know?"

He didn't know what to say. It was a little bit weird for Rose to be so open, but it's true what they say. It's easier to open up to a stranger than someone that you've known your entire life. Jin always has thought that it's a pretty shitty thing, but that doesn't make it any less true.

"Hey," Jin put a hand on her shoulder. "She's in my prayers -- I don't know how much that'll help."

"Thanks," Rose leaned in for a hug and Jin opened his arms, wanting to be as comforting as a stranger who's now two thirds drunk off their ass can be.

The Uber arrives, a man with a smaller build than Jin, but seemingly fit. Jin gets into the car and waves at Rose and she waved back. After Jin gives the driver his destination, he relaxes into the soft material of the seat, listening to the music playing. He sets an alarm on his phone for tomorrow so he can come get his car before it gets towed. He's got to be back here before 6:00AM.

Fuck, that's early. Too early.

Jin's feels like a soggy rag that's getting wrung out by the strongest person on the planet. Twisting and pulling and tugging and wrenching and gripping and ripping and punching and all of the '-ing's' with a negative connotation to them.

"Relationship problems? We've all been there before, bro." The drivers voice was deep and he chuckled, eyeing Jin from the rearview mirror.

Jin doesn't like this guy. He doesn't like the fact that he's in his business or that he called him 'bro'. Jin isn't some bro. The term makes him feel like a lousy frat boy who likes to drink milk straight out of the carton and has sex with a girl one night and then 'bangs' her sister the next.

Maybe Jin's just irritable tonight. In the short span of two days, he lost a friend who could've been so, so much more and he's an alcoholic and everybody knows he's having 'relationship' issues -- if you could even call it that.

And now Jin's half drunk in an Uber that smells like corn dogs and that reminds him that he's been neglecting his cat -- Marshmallow. How that reminds him of Marshmallow, he's not sure all of the way. Maybe the alcohol scrambled his brain cells.

He pays the man the money and says 'thank you' and 'goodnight'.

Jin unlocks the door and is greeted with a 'meow' and something war rubbing up against his leg. Walking in his kitchen to his food pantry, he grabs the kibbles and pours some in the bowl -- a pink one with a sparkling tiara painted on it.

Well, if Jin's being honest, the tiara was lopsided, it's further to the left -- only because Namjoon painted it on the bowl. At first, it used to annoy the fucking fuck out of Jin, but now it's a cute reminder of how directionally challenged that the cute purple haired boy is.

"You're probably hungry, huh Princess?"

Marshmallow purrs and scampers off to eat the food. Jin goes upstairs, but then, a sound at the door stops him.

•••

Namjoon is conflicted -- which top goes best with his blue jeans? He chooses a warm yellow hoodie and black smart glasses. This time, he's not bringing any wine or anything that'll be able to intoxicate them enough to have the both of them regretting their entire existence the next day.

It's not fair for either of them.

He's just bringing himself and he hopes that's enough.

He's got this. He's in control of his own life. Not his anxiety, stress, confidence -- which isn't that high --or his seasonal depression that never goes away.

Namjoon doesn't have much to offer to Jin, just his entire being. This time, it'll be right and nothing can stop them.Jimin hasn't been back, but he texted Namjoon. A lousy -- 'wyd?', which really offended Namjoon, so he didn't even respond, just closed his messages. Even though he knows Jimin is still mad at him, he does know that the younger still want to make sure  that he's fine -- he would never be able to forgive himself if something happened to Namjoon because he was being stubborn and because of his own refusal not to talk to Namjoon.

Namjoon decides to look at the last time he texted Jin.

**_[YOU]: is your hand heavy? i can hold it for you ;)_ **

**_[Five days ago, 2:25PM]_ **

**_[YOUR-OXYJIN]: Is your father a drug dealer? Because you're dope._ **

**_[Five days ago, 2:30PM]_ **

**_[YOU]: are your eyes the bermuda triangle? i keep getting lost in them..._ **

**_[Five days ago, 2:32PM]_ **

**_[YOUR-OXYJIN]: Never heard of that one, Joon. You should be happy, you've out mastered the pun daddy lmao. How you been?_ **

**_[Five days ago, 2:33PM]_ **

**_[YOU]: That's because I thought of it myself \\(^o^)/ I'm good, you? (P.S. don't call yourself pun daddy)_ **

**_[Five days ago, 2:34PM]_ **

**_[YOUR-OXYJIN]: BUT I AM THE PUN DADDY :((( I hate when I text a long paragraph and then somebody hits me with the pitiful 'oh' response. Like, BITCH I'D RATHER GET LEFT ON 'READ'. GOT THE GAME FUCKED UP *TONGUE POPS AGGRESSIVELY*_ **

**_[Five days ago, 2:36PM]_ **

**_[YOU]: oh._ **

**_[Five days ago, 2:38PM]_ **

**_'YOUR-OXYJIN' has left the chat._ **

**_[YOU]: do you look both ways when you cross my mind?_ **

**_[Five days ago, 2:40PM]_ **

He was smiling at how cheesy and corny they are. Nobody else will be able to understand their humor. Walking out of his house, he locks the door and gets into his car. There, he lets out a deep breath. It's now or never.

Now or never.

Now or never.

Now or never.

Now or never.

"Now or never," He whispered, starting the car and pulling out of his driveway. It's breathtaking tonight -- the lights and the light coat of snow shining with a nice innocent glow. The sky has merged into this blue-purple tint and the stars are out shining bright. Namjoon likes to think that the stars are the moons children and takes them out to play at night and when the sun starts to rise, the moon has to collect her children so they can wait until the sun gets tired. It's stupid and maybe he should stop trying to be poetic and personify astrology.

Once he reaches Jin's house, his heart is pound-pound-pounding. When he gets out, his hands are sweaty and he's so scared. Not of change, but of rejection. That is the worst feeling in the world -- it has to be. To pour your heart to that one special person, to declare your love for them or your liking and then to get blown off with a cheap: 'sorry, but no' or maybe even a 'it's best if we stay friends'. Those ones sound the most painful to him.

He's on the porch and his heart feels like it's still trapped inside of Jin's house -- on that stupidly white couch with that stupidly fluffy cat and the most stupidly delicious pizza Namjoon's ever tasted in his life. Namjoon's hand is raised to the doorbell and a 'ding dong' has never ever sounded so damn loud. Jin shouts out a 'hold on' and Namjoon wants to collapse. He's missed Jin's voice. He's missed it all. He wrote a letter for Jin.

His letter he's written... :

**_Hi Jin. I'm not the best at writing love letters, but I'll try, so don't make fun of me if I fail horribly. Ever since the ninth grade when I looked at you in biology. I don't if it was the way the artificial light from the classroom hit your skin or if was the way you had dissected the frog or even just the damn chemicals, but I fell. Hard. So. Damn. Hard._ **

**_I like you a lot -- like a lot. More than any Ryan plushie or philosophy class._ **

**_It's snowing as I'm writing this and I'd be the luckiest man alive if you let me kiss you in the snow and watch the way the snowflakes would collect on your eyelashes._ **

**_Yeah, that'd be nice. Great. Amazing. Splendid. Wonderful. Cool. Super. I don't know Jin, it's not an adjective that's descriptive enough for you._ **

**_We could be impecunious and I'd still love you. You're affable and I'm more reticent. Am I too mundane? You're munificent._ **

**_Right now would be the part where I say that I can't have you, but it's not. I don't want to give you up and maybe I'm too selfish, but I don't care._ **

**_I seen the way you looked at me. There was a glint in your eye -- a spark. Do you like me back? Is this too second grader-ish for you?_ **

**_Since you've been gone, days seem to go by slower. You want to know what I like to think about? This:_ **

**_Like the fact that tomorrow will never come and that there's no 'highest' number and how you can say "I deserted my dessert in the desert" and pronounced words that look exactly the same three different ways. Or maybe the fact that I didn't know it was possible to have so much love for another person._ **

**_Did I come on too strong? Is this like, right in your face and you can't deal? If so, can you just say the most cheesiest pickup line that you know so that I'll laugh through my rejection? If you do want what I want, tell me my favorite color. That should be easy, right?_ **

**_So, Kim Seokjin, I've been staring at your lips and they look pretty lonely? Do you think they'd like to meet mine?_ **

**_\-- Joonie Bug_ **

Jin opens the door with red eyes and hair messy, but by now, you can guess that Namjoon still thinks he's perfect, right? "Namjoon? I mean," Jin cleared his throat, "h-hey, come in? You're only in a hoodie? You'll get sick, that won't do," Jin had a frown on his face.

"It's all good, I've been out here for like forty seconds and I'm not cold. See? There's no frostbite on me," Namjoon held up his hands, his Ryan watch falling down on his slender wrist. Jin smiled and opened the door wider for him to come in.

They sit on the couch and look around at anything but each other. It felt like they were playing a game to Namjoon. It was silent and it's never hurt his ears this bad in his life. Namjoon would rather hear Marshmallow coughing up hairballs than sit in the ugly silence.

Marshmallow jumped into Namjoon's lap and he pets her soft fur just to hear her purr and snuggle further into his lap.

"I've missed you," Jin told him.

"Y-Yeah?" Namjoon asks like the proper idiot he is.

"Fuck, I don't know why I said that to you, that's probably not the reason you even came over here. You wanted your Ryan hoodie back, didn't you? I washed it and used the Downy fabric softener on it, it looks as good as when you bought it. I'll go make some hot chocolate, okay?"

"Jin, you don't have to --"

"I'll go."

Namjoon sighed. He didn't think that it would be this hard. Jin's treating him like a thirteen year old boy would treat his favorite limited edition action figure. He's not a fine China doll.

Marshmallow jumped out of his lap and followed Jin into the kitchen.

Jin's phone starts to ring on the table. A 'Rose' pops up?

"C-Can you answer it for me?" Jin yells from the kitchen, opening up a bag of fluffy jumbo marshmallows. "I'd give you one, but you'd get sick, Marsh," Jin bent down to whisper to his cat, giving her a gentle rub on the head and he swears he seen his pet pout at him with wide eyes.

"Sure." Namjoon answered. "Hello?"

"Why, hello Mr. Life-Is-Just-So-Stressing did you make it home fine? Thanks for what you did tonight, that's just what I needed," Namjoon's heart wasn't ready for this. Maybe he came at a wrong time. Maybe he didn't heal enough. Maybe he should just leave, everyone would like it if Namjoon was gone.

"Hello? Hello? C-Can you hear me?" This 'Rose' character asks from the speaker of the phone. Namjoon walked into the kitchen and slammed the phone on Jin's counter and it startled the elder so much he dropped a marshmallow and the cat ran for the fluffy treat. She put it in her mouth and ran to the couch.

"Rose wants to talk to you," Namjoon gritted through his teeth. "I see you've been busy," He tries to walk out of the kitchen, but Jin grabs his arm and the note falls out of his back pocket.

"It's not what you think. Whatever that you think happened did not happen. Do you think I'd do that -- to you?"

"Well apparently you're straight, so why would it matter if I care?"

"Don't do that. Don't try to answer my question with a question so it makes it seem like you won the argument -- it's not over, Namjoon."

"Oh so we're children now? Fighting over who won the argument? Sounds legit."

Jin pulled at his hair, "See? You're doing it again. Why don't we just sit down and talk about who she is? I swear I didn't have sex with her -- cross my heart. I think I have feelings for you, Joon. I think I might even love you. I-I guess it's taken me so long to figure it out because I've been loving you like a friend and I've never thought of you as anything but a friend. Not anymore though, can you trust me? Can you trust that? Please still have faith in me because it w-would tear me apart if you left."

"Who is she?" Namjoon asked quietly.

"I-I got drunk again -- I'm not proud to admit it. She was only trying to help me get back home, that's the truth. I couldn't do that -- I wouldn't."

"What did you help her with?"

"What're you talking about?"

"She said you helped her with something tonight -- what was it?" Namjoon asked again, his patience running thin.

Jin nodded, "Her mother. Her mother has cancer, I tried to comfort her. That's all."

Namjoon looked down and sighed. "Jin, if I asked you to kiss me again right now, what would you say to me?"

"W-What?" Jin questioned and maybe he was too drunk or maybe he's too stupid, but that was the dumbest answer he could've given.

"Yeah, I thought so," Namjoon tried to walk off again, but Jin grabbed his shirt and pulled him back. His eyes were red and he looked like he was on the verge of crying.

"Don't. Don't touch me."

Jin's heart clenched, but be released his shirt with shaky fingers.

"I don't understand why you're so cold to me," Jin whispered, stepping back.

"Because it's not meant to be. You have Rose and I only have myself. My parents were disappointed I went to university to major I'm phycology -- I never told you that. I don't have anybody. You probably were wondering how my family is filthy rich, but I'm at a school on scholarship, huh? They don't like that I'm pursuing my dreams, so they won't pay my college fees. What kind of parents would do that to their child? Jimin's mad at me and if one word gets to Kook, he'll be angry with me, too. He follows Jimin because he loves him. You're probably not able to comprehend that, but when you're willing give your life for them and you invest --"

"Your entire being into them it's a wonderful thing," Jin finished. "Can't you give me a chance?"

"No," Namjoon denied. "It's just not meant to be -- that's how the cookie crumbles."

"Don't say that."

"It's fine. You're not experienced with being intimate with a man-- I don't want to be your test dummy to figure out of you're into guys. Maybe you should just stick with Rose."

"That's not what matters here, is it?"

"What do you mean?"

Jin scoffed, "You know exactly what I mean, Namjoon."

Namjoon reached the pantry and Jin called out to him again. "You're willing to let me go that easily?"

"If it means you're happy."

Namjoon grabbed the cold, cold handle and he has a feeling it'll be the last time he holds it, so he looks at everything.

The pistachio colored walls that he helped paint. Overalls and boots were what they wore that day. Namjoon thinks he dropped the paintbrush more than he painted.

The white couch. The right corner is his favorite spot because it's the softest no matter how Jin likes to say the couch is "soft in every spot". It's not.

The TV which he likes to watch anime on every time he comes around -- Bleach.

Lastly, the green gummy bear lamp he bought Jin on his twenty fourth birthday. He was so close to kissing Jin that day -- the way his eyes lit up and the 'birthday boy' hat on his head that was tilted to the side slightly and how he smirked that menacing smirk at Namjoon before he swiped icing on the tip of his nose.

Namjoon's gone.

"Joon, you forgot your paper!" Jin caught eye of the paper folded into a origami crane. Knowing Namjoon, it probably has some secret message hidden inside of it. Maybe it's not his place, maybe he should leave it alone, but he's Kim Seokjin and he's curious. God forbid...

He opens it and what he sees is...

GOLD.

It's pure gold and it's all for him -- or maybe there's another Kim Seokjin out there who's made Namjoon fall in love.

But, now he has to get Namjoon back and it has to be him who does it this time. He has to win Namjoon back because he hadn't realized how heavy his hand really had been and maybe he'd like it if Namjoon held his.

Jin hangs up the phone and spends all night writing something...

"Blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue," Is the only thing that Jin says for the rest of that night.

•••

"I feel like a defective typewriter. I skipped a period," Namjoon says along with the movie. He's watched 'Grease' about four times now and this part is still his favorite.

He's drinking Redbull and working on his project because that's the only thing that he'll do that's productive in his life. Right now, he's talking about how the human brain works from his perspective and he thinks it's going pretty well so far.

It's hard to put it into his own words and Namjoon wishes it's as simple as when he was in the seventh grade and knew what a cell wall was and the difference between plant and animal cells. Maybe tonight was his last encounter with Jin and that's fine, his heart doesn't matter in the game of love. He can tell that Rose likes Jin and why shouldn't she? He's handsome, funny, caring -- all of the things you'd want in a boyfriend. Jin shouldn't be fighting for Namjoon.

He falls asleep when Sandy is singing 'Hopelessly Devoted To You' and maybe he's dreaming about what it'd be like if his life was like 'Grease'.

"Hyung, wake up!" Jimin yells.

"What?"

"Namjoon, open up the door! Tae's coming soon and it's fucking freezing out here," Jeongguk yells, too.

Namjoon groaned, grabbing his pillow and putting it over his ears, but he can still hear the pounding. It was all just a dream. It was amazing, but so wicked and cruel that it wasn't real. Will it ever be real? Could it be the real life, or is it all just fantasy?

Getting up, he walks to the door and opens up, Jimin and Jeongguk rushing in with a 'thank you'. His arms are crossed and Namjoon's eyes are puffy from all of the crying he did last night. He's not all that pleased with Jimin.

"What are you two doing here?" He asks, going into the kitchen to make some hot coffee for himself. "Yes, I know it's his birthday today."

"We thought we'd come for the surprise and to see him. We haven't seen him either Namjoon, don't be selfish," Jimin said and rolled his eyes.

"Listen, I don't know who you think you are coming into my house thinking that you can talk to me any kind of way."

"Why are you at each other's throats?"  Jeongguk asks. Jimin must've not told him about their little argument. "Did you get into a fight or? Wait, is this about the last Go-GURT that was in the fridge? I think Yoongi Hyung ate it and I doubt you two want to pick a fight with him."

"It's not about that, it's about Namjoon ruining his life," Jimin said sickeningly sweet.

"Your boyfriend's a fucking dick," Namjoon told Jeongguk, completely ignoring Jimin.

Jeongguk sighed, "Look, I don't know what happened, but can we at least put our feelings aside of Tae's birthday? You two owe it to him?"

Silence.

"I said: can we?" Jeongguk asked tightly, his tone clipped.

The two of them nodded, looking away from each other. Namjoon drank his coffee and got in the shower. What he wasn't expecting was for Jin to be at his front door, knocking with a gift in his left hand. He's glowing and winter Jin just might be his favorite season of Jin. His cheeks are red and his nose is red and he looks warm like he always does and Namjoon wants to hug him and see if he smells like cinnamon like he always does.

"Hey," Jin breathed out when Jeongguk opened the door. "I brought him a gift, can I sit it down somewhere?"

"Sure," Jeongguk says. He grabs the gift and sits it on a table. "Come in."

Namjoon and Jin make eye contact and Jin smiled at him, but Namjoon just puts his head down and continues arranging the cupcakes on the tray. Jimin and Jin speak to each other and are in a deep conversation when Hoseok and Yoongi knock on the door.

Hoseok makes a loud noise when he sees everyone and Yoongi nods his head in acknowledgement. "What time is he supposed to get here?" Hoseok asked.

"Around two, it's 1:40PM right now." Jimin soon replied.

"Woah, have you been crying, Joon?" Hoseok asked and that caused Jin to turn and look at Namjoon with eyes full of regret. Jin's jaw is clenched when he finally turns back around. Namjoon isn't pleased with the way Hoseok just put him on the spot in front of everyone.

"Allergies."

"I thought that was in the spring, though," Jeongguk speaks up, completely and utterly oblivious.

"Don't say anything, Guk," Jimin the whispered to him and Namjoon's never been more thankful for him.

"Well, I think we need to address the obvious elephant in the room," Yoongi spoke up, looking around at everyone. Jin and Namjoon's heart drops, looking at each other with 'what the fuck?' expressions and Jin knows it's all his fault is Yoongi says anything. Yoongi wouldn't do that, he might be cranky at times, but he'd never purposefully hurt anyone. "Which one of you sick bastards bought birthday cake flavored ice cream?"

Everyone laughs and maybe everything is alright. Jin has Rose and Namjoon has nobody -- maybe he's better off if he's by himself. Alone.

Alone.

That word is so sad and Namjoon wishes that such a word doesn't exist because it's ugly. It's an ugly word of solitude.

Taehyung knocks on the door and everyone gets behind the couch, Jin right by Namjoon and their thighs are rubbing on each others and Namjoon can smell his cologne and maybe he wants to bury his head into his fuzzy reindeer sweater and never ever let go. Selfish, right?

Yoongi unlocks the door and scampers behind it when it swings open. Taehyung calls out, "Hello? Namjoon Hyung? Did you forget to lock your door again?"

When Taehyung's back is turned, Yoongi slides from behind the door and signals for everyone to get out from their hiding spot. Yoongi holds up his fingers.

Three.

Two.

One.

"Happy birthday, Taehyung!" The all shout and Taehyung turns around with a boxy smile and warm eyes. Sunglasses are hanging from the back of his neck and his red hair is parted in the middle.

"Oh, it's so good to see you guys. What happened while I was gone?" Taehyung asks.

"Oh, nothing much," Jeongguk spoke up, the most excited to see Taehyung.

"So..." Taehyung trailed off.

"What?" Jin asked.

"Didyougetmeanypresents?"

Hoseok laughed, "What?"

Namjoon brought out the cupcakes and strapped a birthday hat on Taehyung's head, ruffling his silky, bright, red hair and planting a light kiss on his cheek.

Jin didn't care, no he did not.

"Oh, you think I'm joking? I'm serious. I want my gifts. Now," Taehyung threw a fit --jokingly -- like a baby would.

"Sugar baby," Yoongi muttered and Taehyung froze, a chocolate cupcake half chewed in his mouth. He pouted with his birthday hat on when Namjoon laughed and then Jin laughed and then Jimin and then Jeongguk and Hoseok fell off the chair, howling -- and Yoongi had a small smirk on his face.

"You guys don't play fair, especially you, Yoongi Hyung."

"We've got your presents," Namjoon told him. He couldn't stand the pout on his face. It was adorable, but it was killing him a little inside. The six of them went in a circle showing the present they got for him.

It turns out Taehyung has a lot of friends who support his Gucci addiction. Also a lot who think that gifting back scratchers is a good enough present -- Yoongi. It's fine though, Taehyung was pleased with the gift, using it to grab Hoseok's butt instead of the proper way.

Yoongi drags Jin off into the kitchen while Taehyung is figuring out how to tighten the straps on his Gucci slides.

They don't say anything, just look at each other. Yoongi has a quirked eyebrow and Jin looks confused -- very much so.

"What?" Jin finally asks, tired of the stare Yoongi was constantly giving him.

Yoongi wasn't impressed, "You know why I dragged you in here. Now, tell me why you and Joon aren't together. You told me you would fix it."

"That was before Namjoon came to my house unexpectedly, while I was drunk. I was i-in the kitchen making us drinks and my phone started ringing and this girl is on the other line -- Rose."

"Who's she?" Yoongi asked him, taking a cupcake and swiping his finger through the icing, popping it in his mouth.

"Some girl who helped me home when I was drunk, that's all," Jin waved off with a sense of finality, dismissing Yoongi's suggestive question.

"A random girl wanted to help you home, no sex, no number after? It's not making much sense to me, Jin. Why you? I mean, I know you can get a little handsy when you drink, are you sure you didn't give this girl the impression you wanted her?"

"No, no -- how could you honestly ask me that, Yoongi? Her mother has cancer, maybe she just wanted to help someone, is that so wrong?" Jin was starting to hyperventilate and when he starts to hyperventilate, he starts to cry. It's been like that ever since his mom passed, he has these little episodes where he'll get frustrated and his brain can't handle it, so he'll start to get angry and cry. Fuck, it's super pathetic and awkward.

Yoongi never seen Jin so sad and he starts to panic, "No, it's nothing wrong with that, she seems like a really nice girl, yeah? Fuck, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to make you cry, I just wanted to help. I guess I can be a bit of a dick sometimes, huh?"

Jin didn't respond.

"Shit, this used to happen all of the time in highschool -- what did the doc always say to calm you down? Just talk about random shit, right? Okay, okay, I can do that," Yoongi awkwardly patted Jin's back and hummed low.

"So the other day, I'm on Instagram and I'm watching a video from their 'comedy' section on the explore page -- you don't need to say anything, I've embarrassed myself enough by just watching such a disgrace to the human race. Anyways, the guy's in the shower and he asks for soap, but the girl thinks he said soup so she hands him soup and he washes up with it, chunky tomatoes running down his chest and everything. I mean, you could use common sense to know that he meant soap, not soup, but haha, she thought he meant soup but he really meant soap that's spelled with an 'a' not a 'u'. Isn't that hilarious? Because who would think that a person who's first language isn't English would be asking for soup in the shower, wacky right? But on a serious note, I want to die," Yoongi deadpanned, forgetting he was on a mission to make Jin feel better, he was just rambling about nonsensical, petty affairs.

Jin laughed wetly. Yoongi reminds him of a bitter grandfather with a disdain for anything new-age.

"See? I knew I could cheer you up. I'm not a complete fuck-up, right?"

"Only one-third of a fuck-up," Jin joked, wiping his eyes and sighing. "I'll talk to him. I don't know how much good it'll do, but I'll try to get through to him."

"See? That's what I like to hear. Who's your favorite fuck-up?" Yoongi cooed sarcastically, snickering. "But to be for real with you, I really hope that it works out for you two, I'll be there if it doesn't, I'll be there if it does," Yoongi clapped a hand on Jin's wide shoulder. "Now let's make this popcorn."

"Orville or Movie Theater?" Jin asked Yoongi, holding up the two brands of popcorn for Yoongi to judge.

"Movie Theater. It has more butter. I swear, nothing is more disgusting than plain popcorn -- oh, and that kettle corn shit, damn the guy to hell who thought of the idea."

"That's a little bit harsh," Taehyung walked into the kitchen, grabbing a glass of water. "Speaking of hell, I was making chicken nuggets once and the oven got so damn hot and I wondered if that was what hell felt like. I mean, if that's what it smells like, sign me the fuck up."

"Why are you like this?" Yoongi questioned him, rubbing his temples and shaking his head disapprovingly. "Like, one minute you're adorable and then the next I get a strong feeling like you need to be institutionalized."

"He called you _adorable_?" Jin sounded so scandalized. "I can see it now, what would your ship name be? Yaehyung? Toongi? Yoohyung? Taengi? Taegi? Oh God, that's it! Taegi! It's so cute."

Taehyung blushed meekly and turned off the tap water, "Stop, hyung. It's my first day back and you're already getting me all flustered."

"Oh my God, I will literally force-feed you battery acid," Yoongi said to Jin, but a blush was on his cheeks.

"I ship it so hard," Jin whispered.

After they've finished making the popcorn and getting drinks and candy, they all sit on and around the couches watching a movie of Taehyung's choice -- 'The Nightmare Before Christmas'. Jin and Namjoon are sitting next to each other like the most cheesiest clichè ever.

When Jack reaches the North Pole and starts singing, he feels something nudging into his side.

"Namjoon," Jin whispered so that the nobody else could hear. Namjoon ignored him and kept sucking on his candy cane. Jin was focused on his lips and how sticky and red they looked from eating the candy. He whispered out to him again.

The younger sighed, "What, Jin?"

"Can we talk -- about everything?"

"We don't have anything to talk about."

Jin grabbed Namjoon by the arm and pulled him off into the kitchen, similarly to how Yoongi did to him. "Namjoon-ah is going to help me make more popcorn," Jin rushed out. Hoseok, Yoongi, and Jimin look at the pair curiously, but don't voice their opinions -- except for Yoongi.

"Jin," Yoongi called out. Jin looked back at him with a questioning glance. "Be careful in there, don't  _burn_ anything. I don't think Namjoon would like that very much," Jin shook his head, getting the message Yoongi was sending him, but Namjoon was confused.

The others (Hoseok and Jimin) are quick to agree with what Yoongi said, not wanting to deal with an angry or sad Namjoon. Jin  and Namjoon walk into the kitchen.

"What was that all about?" Namjoon asked.

"What?" Jin pretended to not know. "What are you getting at?"

"Wait..." Namjoon gasped. "You told Yoongi what happened? Didn't you, you jerk?"

"You told Hoseok, I don't really see how you have any room to be angry." Namjoon rolled his eyes, but he knew that Jin was right.

"We need to talk," Jin repeated. "I won't leave until you open up to me."

"We don't need to talk," Namjoon denied.

"Yes, we do. Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why are you being so difficult? I don't understand you, Kim Namjoon. I read the letter, you know." Namjoon's heart skips a beat and his body starts to overheat.

"W-What? You d-did? How?"

"I did and I loved it. You're so focused on trying to be perfect that you can't see that I want you for you. You dropped it when you ran out of my house."

"Leave me alone."

"Do you think you'll regret this later on? I think you will."

"I know I will, but this isn't what you want," Namjoon agreed. He knows that he'll have hell to pay if Jimin gets word of him turning Jin down willingly.

"So, you write me a note saying how you wish we could be together, but now that I'm telling you that I want everything you asked for, you don't want it? How do you know what I want? Isn't that, like my own decision?"

"Why should you have to ask me since it's like, your decision?" Namjoon mocked bitterly.

"It's blue, Namjoon. It's blue," Jin said and stormed out of the kitchen. 

"Did you burn it?" Yoongi asked as soon as Jin came out of the kitchen.

"I've never seen you so interested in popcorn, hyung," Taehyung laughed through a large mouthful of cupcake. 

"Shut it, brat, I like popcorn," Yoongi said, but he was only joking, Taehyung knows that.

"I didn't mean to," Jin sniffed. "Uh, listen, I got to go. I gotta feed Marshmallow and I've got work early in the morning because I had to switch shifts with Chanyeol. Boss said he's sick with strep throat."

"Tell him to get well soon and I can send over some chicken noodle soup," Hoseok said, a gummy worm on his nose, wiggling his nose and sticking out his tongue so that the sweet gummy treat will land in his mouth.

"Yeah," Jin agreed. "I'll see you all later, it was nice to catch up with you all. Duty calls," Jin joked sadly, grabbing his coat with teary eyes and buttoning it up.

A warm hand touched his shoulder, it was Jeongguk, "Hyung, are you alright?"

"Alright? Why wouldn't I be alright?" Jin rambled nervously. He doesn't need Jeongguk, their innocent and sweet maknae working about him, too.

"Well, for starters, you've been buttoning the same button on your coat for forty seconds -- forty-five now," Jeongguk smiled.

"I didn't even realize," Jin said. "Your hyung is getting old. Stay young, kid." Namjoon walked out of the kitchen, Jin looking at him for a split second. "I should be going now, Marshmallow will be angry with me if I neglect her for too long."

"Hyung's a cat lady," Jeongguk joked.

"Yeah, a cat lady that gets paid more than you. Have you got promoted to grocery bagging duty yet?" Jin teased. Everyone laughed again except for Namjoon, who was looking at the floor -- emotionlessly.

Jeongguk grumbled, "Whatever, it's still money. Be safe on that road, it gets really slippy after it snows," His eyebrows were furrowed and he bit his lip.

"I'm always safe," Jin assured.

"This would be the perfect time to say that Guk's mom wasn't safe and that's why he's here, but I'm above that petty behavior," Yoongi said from the couch, starfished on it, limbs spread all out.

Hoseok gave him the look, "Ah, you're right, I'm not above that petty behavior," Yoongi caved in. "Were you a broken condom, Gukkie?" Yoongi jived, wiggling his neat eyebrows suggestively.

"Hey, stop picking on my boyfriend," Jimin defended, but he had a hand covering his mouth.

Everyone says goodbye and Namjoon just looks at his hands and doesn't have anything to say to himself. He doesn't deserve to think or speak. He's just a troubled adult who selfishly wants but can never give. Story. Of. His. Life.

It wasn't until Kim Seokjin was gone that he realized what 'blue' meant.

•••

When Jin gets in his car, he screams and yells and wants to hit everything and anything and everyone in a 1,257,567 foot radius of him.

•••

Namjoon feels like he just bought a brand new cherry scented chapstick and he rolled it all of the way up and now it won't go back down -- like he just ruined a good thing because he wanted too much.

Jimin, Yoongi, and Hoseok are all trying to stare at him without getting caught, but he feels every single one of their questioning glances.

It doesn't feel good.

Namjoon sighed and told everyone that he had a headache and was going to lay down for a few.

The bed. Comfortable aloneness where you can think about anything and just relax. It's nice, it really is. Ten minutes later, Namjoon hears his door open and somebody walks in.

"Hi hyung, it's Tae," The boy with red hair whispered softly.

Namjoon turned to look at him.

"They told me what happened with you and Jin. Don't be mad at them, I begged until they got annoyed -- sorry. I could see the tension. You two have talked to everyone except for each other. I think it's time, don't you?"

Silence.

"I'm not your enemy, you know. I don't think that Jin Hyung is either, correct?"

Namjoon say up in his bed and curled his legs up until his knees were touching his chin. "I'm starting to think that the only bad guy here is me."

"Don't you think that you deserve to have some happiness in your life? Don't you think you've been being too rough on yourself? I do. Stop trying to be perfect, Joon. You have people out there -- me included -- who like for who you are."

"I don't think there's any going back after I told Jin to leave me alone. If you were in his place, what would you do?"

"I'm not Jin, I don't know how his brain is processing what you told him, Joon. If you want something, you should go after it -- push all of your insecurities aside."

"I don't know how. I'm book smart, Tae, not street smart or love smart. I can tell you the square root of any number in a heartbeat, but if somebody came up to me and said they love me, I wouldn't have a clue."

"And Jin Hyung hasn't ever been with a guy before, but he's willing to push that aside and try with you. What's your point? Are you making excuses because you're too scared? Scared of what?"

"Jin leaving me. He'll find out how useless I really am and leave me for Rose. She sounds prettier than me."

"If that ever is to happen -- I doubt it will -- we'll be here for you. This is your first real relationship, Joon, it's bound to have awkward moments and bumps. Who's Rose?"

"I just want to be perfect -- for Jin. She's some random girl that helped him home when he was drunk -- says her mother has cancer,"Namjoon frowned.

"He doesn't need you to be. It's normal for every relationship to have fights and disagree with each other. Jin won't leave after a little argument."

"Don't you think it's too early for us to be saying that we love each other? Do you think it's too rushed?"

Taehyung got up and smiled at Namjoon. "Love is never rushed, if you feel, you should act on it. Promise."

"Promise?"

"Promise."

•••

Jin hasn't been doing much.

Having a broken heart hurts -- a lot.

His chest feels empty inside, but also feels heavy.

Like a weight tied around his heart and it doesn't feel good.

Rose called. She called and called and called and called until Jin couldn't take it anymore and told answered.

"Today," Rose said as soon as she picked up the phone.

"Why do you have my number?" Jin asked, he doesn't have time for games and hints. He feels like shit so that's what his attitude is.

"Her funeral -- it's was today. For a while, we thought she beat it, but she passed out in the middle of the supermarket. I don't have anybody left."

"I...I don't know what to --"

"It's alright, I've heard it all today, you don't have to say anything. 'May her soul rest in peace', 'she was such an amazing woman', 'she'll always have a special place in my heart'. They don't mean it -- none of them. My favorite is 'she'll be watching over you'. I hope she's not, the way I'm downing this alcohol is quite pathetic."

"Where are you right now?"

"Her grave. They buried her today and I know death is unavoidable, but I can't believe she's gone. It's real. The people who showed up, the black dresses and suits, the crying, the coffin, the flowers."

"Where at?"

"Who could stop me from killing myself? Nobody. Maybe I could slice my throat, a painful agonizingly slow death would suit my gloomy mood. But, if I shoot myself in the head, there's no pain."

"You might think that you're all alone, but I'm here for you," It was such a 'therapist- who-thinks-that-they-understand-what's- going-on-in-your-mind-but-really-has-no- clue-and-pries-in-your-life-way-too-much' of Jin to say.

"When I seen her being lowered into the ground, it killed me. There are just some people on this earth that make me think that I'd rather die than live in a world where they aren't. Have you ever thought about that, Jin?"

"All the time. Like this life isn't worth anything because they're not here."

"Exactly. Fireball isn't as good as I thought it would be. It burns going down but I'm officially _buzzing_ ," Rose giggled.

Jin didn't say anything.

"You don't have to be scared to talk to me, you know. My mom's gone, yeah I know that, but I can still process shit like a normal human can. What's on your mind? Is life still just so stressing?"

"Ding, ding, ding. We have a winner," Jin answered quietly, scrolling through his camera roll filled with pictures of the one and only: Namjoon. Sometimes, he has his eyes scrunched up with a smile and other times, his dimples are just so prominent.

"What kind of problems?"

"Wouldn't you rather we talk about your mom? I don't know, shouldn't it help?"

"Are you a therapist?"

"No, my friend is studying to be one."

Ouch. 'Friend'?

"When I lost my grandmother, I cried a little bit and life moved on, but my own mother is gone, I don't know what to do."

"Was she like you?"

"What?" She chuckled wetly. "Stubborn as a damn mule and sly? Yes. She was the light of my life -- still is."

"Namjoon."

"What?"

"That's his name -- Namjoon. We've been friends for the most part of our lives and we got drunk one night. We kissed and hurtful words got thrown around. I feel like I've told everyone how I feel except for him, but he doesn't seem to care. He basically blew me off yesterday."

"Unrequited love," Rose said bitterly and Jin could hear the sound of some type of liquid swishing and a swallow. "It's the worst, hmm?"

"Yeah, it is. Love sick, too?"

"Kind of. Had a guy break my heart. I found him in bed with another girl. You know, the usual clichè heartbreaking scene of every drama known to man."

Jin sympathized for her, "That can't be an easy site to take in, I can imagine."

"Don't pity me, Jin," Rose told him. "He always left the seat up after he used the bathroom. I'm not mad he's gone, good riddance, right? I'd respect him more if he came to me and said 'Look Rose, I'm sleeping with your best friend. Sorry I can't keep my dick in my pants'."

"It's not like that with Namjoon, he's so caring and nice," Jin murmured.

"Well, maybe if Namjoon's as good as you say he is, you should be happy with him. What's the problem? Why aren't the two of you together yet?"

"Insecurities. It's not the same living without him, you know? It sucks. Really bad."

"You guys are stupid. Why don't you get together if you like each other? It's so frustrating to me."

Jin laughed, "We are, aren't we?"

"Listen, I gotta go," Rose said and Jin heard a 'pop' followed by another swig and gulp. "Probably gonna go cry now. Shit, this is gonna be difficult," Rose's voice wavered. "I really gotta go, I don't want you to listen while I cry. Bye."

Rose hung up the phone.

•••

Namjoon has to present his project today and he's scared. Jin would usually be here to cheer him up, but he's gone so he has to calm himself down. He doesn't know how to -- it's sad, honestly.

"Kim Namjoon," His professor reads from the paper, pushing his circular glasses further up the bridge of his nose.

"Yeah?" Namjoon asked, already knowing what was needed of him.

"Your turn to present. Good luck."

"The human brain," Namjoon starts. "The human brain is --" Namjoon was up in front of the class and he was feeling so overwhelmed with all of the blue, brown, green, and hazel eyes watching him. He shook his head, "The brain. The human brain. It's -- it's."

Everyone started to whisper lowly as Namjoon struggled in the front of the class. "Namjoon, did you even do the project?" The professor asked curiously.

"What's wrong with him?" Some random boy in the back of the class asked. He doesn't to much. He wears black and white Vans, 'Supreme' clothes, and likes to talk about how much he vapes.

"I don't know," A girl named Sarah who wears too much eyeshadow and never remembers to bring pens for class. She always asks Namjoon for one. Actually, she's chewing thoughtfully on the Bic pen with blue ink inside and sue him if he wishes the ink cartridge would just -- explode all over her fucking face.

Namjoon took a deep breath and rubbed his hands over his face. Be the person you want to be -- who you wish you were -- who's true to you. Be that Namjoon -- not this self-conscious Namjoon.

"The human brain is a wonderful organ. Right as I speak, the brain is sending these little messages to other parts of your body so you can walk, talk, eat.

When we have situations where the brain is under stress, you tend to remember minor details. It's not known why the brain remembers traumatic incidents we'd like to forget -- it just does.

Other times, the incidents can be so horrible that they can induce mental illnesses such as BPD -- borderline personality disorder -- or being Bipolar or even having schizophrenia.

It's a commonly knows fact that humans are only capable of using five percent of their brains. Think what we could do if we could use ten percent -- maybe even twenty percent. The possibilities are endless.

It's such a complex, yet simple organ."

Namjoon thinks he did pretty good at the rest of his speech. Jin's standing at the exit of the university when he leaves.

"Joon," Jin smiled. "You were amazing up there, I'm so proud of you, you know. I want to take you out -- to celebrate.

"No. Why can't you get it through your head that we're not friends any --"

Jin interrupted him, "We can  _try_ , Joon.

"I-I'm sorry -- no. Can't you see? I'm trying my hardest to get over you, but you won't leave me alone. Don't come here again."

Namjoon walked away, but Jin grabbed him around the waist.

"Don't touch me," Namjoon gritted out.

"You loving me so much that you'd let me go is admirable, but you're being so stupid right now. I want you, Joon. I'm not gonna change my mind -- promise."

"Yeah, well...I have a boyfriend," Namjoon lied and he's not sure if that was the best idea to say that. Jin'll be breathing over his shoulder even more now. He loves Jin, but he's not right for him. He's just not -- it's a no-brainer.

Jin's hand fell from his shoulder. "Who?" He asked, voice cold. He grabbed onto Namjoon's wrist and squeezed.

"I-It's Yuta. Let me go, you're hurting me, Jin," Namjoon clawed at his hand, Jin's nails digging into his skin and eventually drawing blood.

Namjoon finally snatched his hand back and examined the red rings around his wrist and the little amount of his blood that was dripping from his inner arm to his hand.

"I didn't mean to do that. Fuck, I mess everything up. I'll never get you back now. God, it's so dark without you in my life. I can't let you be with him, he'll ruin you, Joon, h-he'll ruin you," He whimpered. 

Jin grabbed his hair and his breathing picked up -- his eyes started to water and Namjoon knew that Jin wasn't alright, but what did Namjoon do?

He walked away.

He put his right foot, the left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot. Namjoon swears he's never felt gravity weigh down on his body this much before. Every single foot away from Jin was like a stab right to the back of his knees and finally -- his knees buckled and he fell.

He fell to the ground, tears fell to the ground, blood fell to the ground.

"I can't do this anymore," Namjoon said to himself. "I want him so bad, God, tell me what to do. Tell me what to do and that's what I'll do. Tell me. Tell me."

"Please don't go," Jin pleaded. "I miss you so damn much. Please don't go. Say you'll stay -- tell me you'll stay.

Namjoon got off of the ground with a shaky knee, stumbling. Jin ran over to him and steadied Namjoon by grabbing his arms and pulling him towards his chest.

"Why? Why can't I get over you?" The younger punched at his chest weakly, hot tears staining on Jin's shirt. It was a little bit awkward because Jin's shorter than Namjoon, but he'll still hold him no matter how tall he is.

If Jin's being honest, the height is all for show. Truth is, Namjoon couldn't even hurt a fly. He's the type to apologise to a mannequin after bumping into it.

"I don't want you to, Namjoon. But, you have a boyfriend and I need to respect that -- you should too. If you were mine, I'd be jealous seeing somebody else holding you. Can you please forgive me? I'm tired of fighting."

Namjoon was sighing again.

"If you're really sorry, meet me at the cafe -- Wings. Tomorrow -- 8:00AM. Don't be late, Jin."

Namjoon pulled away from Jin and it felt like he was pulling away from the warm, bright sunshine into a dark, gloomy storm.

And Namjoon doesn't have an umbrella.

Namjoon walked away and to his car, Jin watching him put his key in the ignition, buckle up his seatbelt, put the car into reverse, back out of the parking lot, and finally drive away.

•••

"Why didn't you tell me all of that had happened to you, hyung? Why did you two lie to me?" Jeongguk came over Namjoon's house, eyes teary and wet from the rain.

The rain really gets you in a mood. A sad mood -- it's his favorite weather. Maybe it's the rain beating against the window panes or the warmth of being sheltered from the harsh reality of a storm, but Namjoon's in love with the rain.

"Come in. We can talk over some tea, okay, Guk?" Namjoon asked, walking into his kitchen, but Jeongguk grabbed his wrist. The same wrist that was still healing from the scratch that Jin had gave him accidentally.

Namjoon winced.

"Don't call me that. Just tell me one thing: Why didn't you tell me?"

Namjoon sighed, "Because I knew that you'd react like this. I don't need you to fight my battles, Jeongguk."

"Stop treating me like a child. That's what makes me so angry. You and Jimin always talk to me like I'm too young to comprehend things."

"Look, I'm sorry if I offended you in any way. I was scared to tell you. I didn't want you to turn on me like Jimin did -- that's all. I swear -- if he hadn't left that day, I would've told you. It's just -- you and Jimin are so alike. I thought I knew how your mind would work if I told you everything."

Jeongguk looked at Namjoon, "What did happen between you and Jimin? Did you say something to make him angry?"

"I just told him that getting with Jin wasn't as simple as he made it seem. It's complicated -- really. Jin and I are trying to be friends again. Jimin left after I told him it wasn't as easy as he suggested. I don't know why I thought he'd be able to understand what I'm going through. You and him have the perfect relationship."

Jeongguk clenched his jaw. "How could he? That's not what a friend does at all. I'm sorry you had to go through that. I'll be talking to him later on -- he's going to get it."

"What do you mean by that?"

Jeongguk scoffed, "I'd never put my hands on him -- he's my everything. I'd never -- how could you even suggest that?"

"People are so good at hiding what they're really feeling, Guk. It's crazy how the person that used to make you the happiest can make you the saddest," Namjoon trailed off, playing with his fingers despondently.

Jeongguk frowned, "I'd never. I'd never forgive myself if I did that. That's not love, it's abuse, hyung. I can tell the difference between the two."

Namjoon invited him in and closed the door behind him. He can tell that this conversation is going to be a long one.

When they sit down, Jeongguk tells him about how he found out -- Taehyung told him. They're close like that.

"You and Jin Hyung made up?" Jeongguk asked, eyes wide and hair sticking to his forehead.

"We're in the process of that. I told him I have a boyfriend -- Yuta. I just wanted him to hurt, Guk. I wanted him to know that he can't have me. It's so selfish of me, but I was angry and when I'm angry, I make horrible decisions and say even more horrible things. Even as I thought of that lie, I knew how bad it would hurt Jin, but I still did it. Why?"

Jeongguk looked at him, "You want other people to feel your pain -- it's completely understandable. You get tired of taking shit from people. But, why? Why would you sabotage a potential relationship for an unnecessary heartache?"

"I don't understand myself sometimes, Guk."

"Didn't Yuta like, used to be a user?"

"Yeah," Namjoon admitted. "That's what Jin's afraid of, he's scared he'll lose me too."

Jeongguk looked down at his phone. "I really have to take this call. It's Jimin and he's probably worried, you know how he gets."

"Yeah, I do. Don't get angry with him. It's my fault, not his."

"Jimin knows. He just knows that what he did was wrong, but it's easier for him to be a jerk than to apologise. He doesn't think you need one."

"How do you know all of that?"

"I've been with him for four years. I know that he only eats his food when it's room temperature and takes two hours in the shower and he won't eat a spoonful of Lucky Charms if there aren't any of the marshmallows in the spoonful. When you love somebody, you never forget. Love you, gotta go. Don't be hard too on yourself, hyung. For my sake, at least?"

Jeongguk walked to the door, and Namjoon hugged him once he walked out of the door. "Love you too, kid. I'll try for you, Guk. I can't make any promises, though.

"I don't need one. I know you'll do it for me. Eat something and lay down. You've got a big day tomorrow. Bye, Joonie Bug."

"Why does everyone insist on calling me that?" Namjoon groaned.

"What?" Jeongguk asked. "It's cute. It suits you, too."

Namjoon shut the door and walked to his bedroom, laying down and thinking of all of the events that have happened to him in such a short span of time.

Dinner date with Jin.

Kiss with Jin.

Argument with Jin.

Intervention: Jimin edition.

Argument with Jimin.

Intervention: Hoseok edition.

Confrontation with Jin.

Taehyung's birthday.

Another confrontation with Jin.

Intervention: Taehyung edition.

Jin confrontation: University edition.

Intervention: Jeongguk edition.

And now, Intervention: Jin edition.

•••

**Author's Note:**

> come screech at me on wattpad @ 'StankyPieceOfFish' ;)
> 
> make sure to take care of yourselves and i would say "stay warm!" because it's winter over here in the first state (google it), but not everyone is in winter, so yeah...
> 
> byyyyeeee ♡♡♡


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